so for the first time since.. mid november? i'm having a panic/anxiety/whatever attack. i've already paced the apartment and tried doing everything else i can to take my mind off my mind but it aint workin folks.

i need the hand of God to come down and boot me in the ass and tell me where to go and what to do. Like in the Monty Python movies. thats how i picture God, loving but stern, with a sense of humor.

i have that feeling where something big is about to happen. i have no idea what it is. but i feel like i'm at some sort of a crossroads here. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life, and i dont want to follow a fiddle playing devil to georgia. but i feel like.. well.. something's got to give. something's got to happen. i need something to happen. bc i need some sort of direction. i thought i had a direction, and it was, i thought, a really good direction. and now i feel like i'm standing in one of those sign posts that have arrows every where but dont tell you where they go or how far away the destination is.

patience. i'm working on patience this year. friggin patience sucks. who's idea was it to work on being patient again?

i know what i want out of life. i just don't know how to get there. i can see a destination on the map, but there are no roads (of course if this was back to the future, where we're going we wouldnt need roads. athankyou).

hell, i'm now referencing movies trying to make sense. you know i've reached a new low when i do that, when someone elses bad 80s dialogue says what i'm trying to say better than i can.

i dont want a bandaid or a quick fix. i know in the long run i'm going to appreciate all the eight million feelings i have right now. youve got to work through each and every one of them and understand them for what they are. and i know that. but i feel like everything is taking so very long. i dont want it to take so long. i want to get to my destination, plop down my baggage, put on my sweatpants, and eat some cake while watching the Office or some other excellent show.

i need to get hulu. i've not seen new tv in awhile now.

i dreamed last night i was in a house fire and no one even tried to save me. thats like all my fears rolled into one.