I can't sleep. So I dug around under my bed and found my wedding planning book. It's the last "thing" of from before. I looked through it. And I let myself be sad. But even I can see that those plans were with a different person than who he is now. The person I planned a wedding with would never lie or cheat. Would never be intentionally mean. Would never say he hated me. This new person? As hard as I tried I don't know this person. I don't think I even like this person. I fought so hard bc I know my zach is in there. But this zach kills him. It's hard to watch that. So you try and help. You tell them you Care. But when they say I'm thr one that's nuts, you realize everybody in your lift is right and you've just been too stubborn to see. I love him, but someone's soul mate (or whatever emotional word you want to put in here) would never in a million years, no matter what, do what he has done to me. So I had one last look at the wedding planner, I felt all those feelings, and I threw it away. It was a very bittersweet but freeing feeling. That journey is over. I fought for it for a lot longer than I should have. I genuinely thought he'd get better. But. I was wrong. Am I going to feel this brave from now on, probably not. I know I'll be sad some. It's hard to lose the love of your life. It's even harder to accept you lost them nearly a year ago and you've been fighting a losing battle with a lie. But even I know when to throw in the towel. Somewhere out there is someone for me. Someone who won't lie. Who won't drink too much. Who will give me time to feel my feelings. Who won't be hateful. He will have the good qualities of Zach, bc he did have some very good qualities and when things were good with us they were wonderful beyond measure. But this person who is meant for me won't desert me when things get a little bit hard. Won't take me or my love for granted. I have to believe there is a greater plan for me. And whoever I am supposed to meet is coming into it as fast as they can. I have that something is going to happen feeling again. It was pretty spot on this last time. But this time, I feel like something good is going to happen. I will embrace that. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone