i'm just on brain overload.

i tried to explain my last 24 hours to brandon just now. and all he could say was 'wow.' there is so much more going on besides being upset about zach, that i am just ready to shut down.

but i refuse to shut down. bc i'm gonna be stronger this time. i know that there is a goal here, something positive to work toward. i thought it was one direction, but. i guess it's another.

but i would be lying if i didnt say that at about 3am this morning i thought about the pros and cons of driving off a bridge. not that i would ever do that, and please understand that. i wouldnt. but i can see the logic of just wanting to take yourself out of the equation sometimes. it would make some people's lives easier. it would cause less stress. but i know overall it would be an awful thing, and i'd never ever do it. and i think bc i can recognize that and look at it logically means i'm far saner than i ever was before.

two different coworks had famiily members pass away today. and then our work mailman had his house burn down last night and how his family has nothing. this just kills me. i'm going to do whatever i can to help them. maybe if i put my effort into something else like helpign people, i'll start feeling good again.

in slightly brighter news, i got a promotion of sorts at work today. i dont know if it will come with more money, but its more responsibility, and will look good on my resume in the long run. my supervisor congratulated me and said that it was excellent that my potential is being recognized. so i feel good about that. frankly, i'll take whatver i can get right now in the feel good department.

and i feel like i should say, for my own benefit as much as anyone reading this, he did apologize for saying he hated me. but i drove him nuts. i took too long to show i cared. so.. there's nothing I can do to change that situation. so i can just work on myself and keep plugging along. i dont know what tomorrow will bring, but i have to hope that it is something good.