i think what upsets me the most is that this is the sanest, healthiest, most stable i've ever been in my life. i keep hearing "get happy with yourself" or "dont count on me for happiness". and the thing is, i'm not. for the first time ever i like myself, i feel good about myself (emotionally, physically, socioeconomically, etc etc) and somehow i get yelled at for trying to project my happiness on someone else. what i want is someone to -share- in my happiness. to experience life with me. to feed off my being (in a positive way, not like a parasite) and me off of them. i mean i know that if i took the time and had half the desire to, i could go out and find a date right now. i'm moderately attractive, i'm funny, people tell me that i have a good personality that makes others want to be near me and be my friend, i have a good job and can support myself. i think thats a pretty good lot right there. i mean, zach and my relationship ended bc he didnt think he could handle my depression, and it turns out that i'm pretty sane in this one.

i think my issue is i see people hurting and i want to fix it. 99% of the time its obvious what would fix the problem, but 99% of the time people are too stubborn/scared/bullheaded to try/forgive/etc. one chance isnt the end of the world. and i dont know why more people dont get that. yeah i can be stubborn but i never deep down stop doing what i believe in, what i know is right.

the DC job is back on the market again. It's a whole other job than the one I said no to. This would be anywhere from a June-October start date. half of me says yes, lets go meet new people, there are plenty of upwardly mobile men my age in that city who i could meet and go to the smithsonian with. (have i mentioned i love love the air and space museum? taking me there was the one decent thing brett ever did.) but the other part of me doesnt want to go bc i dont know if it'd be bc i want to or bc i was running away from my problems. i dont want to run away from things, i want to face them head on. but so far facing them head on has gotten me nowhere but yelled at like i'm the crazy person. and for once in my life, i'm not the crazy person here.

i'm not putting any stock one way or the other about a move. pretty much everyone i talk to think it'd be the greatest thing ever for me. and that it wouldnt necessarily have to be permanent, which is true. there are some beautiful apartments in Old Town which are stupid expensive but have so much incredible architecture and history. for a nerd like me DC is probably one of the best places to move, even though i dont like the weather or the ridiculous traffic. but maybe thats what i need. a new life. maybe that is where i need to be 'going'. i genuinely dont know. but i dont have to decide today. i dont have to decide for several months really. but i'm keeping that as an option this time. i didnt move for work twice for zach. i dont regret either of them, but this time if i'm asked, i'm evaluating it on me and me alone. bc i cant count on people (other than friends it seems) to stand by you when you really truly need it. i stood by zach through everything, when i thought things were my fault, when i knew things were his, i still stood by him bc i knew (and still know, without a doubt) that he is a good man. he just lost his way a little bit. and i thought if i sttod by him he'd appreciate that and realize what we could do. but. thats not what he wants. and if he's already out talking to other girls that pretty much means there is no final hope.

i'm sorry for being so whiny and mopey. i do that really well lately. i know you dont believe me when i say i'm fine. i really really am. yeah i cry myself to sleep every now and then, but its not because i'm depressed. its bc my heart hurts. for me and for him. but i cant fix everyone, so there you go.

in other news rachael found me the perfect dress for our work party. i actually feel really super pretty in it. i'm very excited for saturday now. i wish i was taking the same person as last year... but i know i'll have a whole lot of fun with bethany this year.