so for the first time in all of this i feel like there is sort of a sense of closure. i said what i needed to say, which was i can't be blamed for everything any longer. whether it was heard or not i dont know. but i said it, and it is sort of a freeing experience.

do i wish that on some level things can still magically be worked out? no. that would be too rose-colored-glassesy. and i tried that for long enough.

i broke down and talked to my mom last night, about everything about how i'm feeling about what i want/wish/etc. and she said something that i know all of you have said, but i guess when it comes from your own mother its different. but she said to me that it's not my fault that zach is sick. and thats just... its a truth i didnt let myself see. i let him blame me for so long that i started to believe it. and if it was my fault then logically i could have fixed it. but i cant. it isnt my fault. i did my part in trying to make things better, giving him second and third chances when people said i was crazy to do so. but. this isnt my fault. and it's something i'm going to have to keep reminding myself. bc i know i'm going to backslide some. but. i did the best i could. i fought as hard as i could. i loved as deeply as i could. and thats all that i can do.

she also told me to get back on eharmony, etc and look around and go on dates. i think thats kinda funny coming from my mom, but i know she just wants me to be happy. so i signed back up and explored once again the scary scary world of online dating. we'll see where this goes.

i'm not approaching it this time looking immediately for somethign serious. yes, i do want a serious relationship, i want marriage and kids. but i think maybe i should just date around, see whats out there. go on some shitty dates. maybe have a good one or two. with the prospect of DC still up in the air in 5-6 months, it's hard to want to even think about committing to someone and then having to move. i've just got to have faith that it will all work out the way it's supposed to, bc i have no dang idea where my life is going.

please say a special prayer for a friend from high school teresa and her husband scott. they lost their first baby during pregnancy and are pregnant with their second. she's having complications and they are putting her on bed rest. they are such good and kind people and would make the best parents. and it makes my heart hurt to see them in pain like this.

and you know what, send special thoughts for zach. bc he is a good guy. he's just lost. i'll always love him and wish him the best, even when i'm hurting the most. i hope he can fidn what is right for him.