by yesterday evening i was just ready to jump out of my skin. a number of little things set me off resulting in one big explosion, and i just had to get away from myself. luckily i had my crocheting and in trying not to think i completed my second lap blanket (all burgundy) and since i had quite a bit of that color left, and since earlier i'd watched the linda hamilton version of silent night ( you know, the true-ish story about the germans and the US soldiers both being stuck in a cabin with a lady and her kid on christmas eve and they hate each other but in the end they hug and sing silent night and let me tell you, hearing silent night sung in german is one of those things that i love dearly because there is this nice old lady at the church i grew up in who is from germany and she has sung it every christmas that i remember and it always gives me goosebumps) ANYWAY since i was feeling mildly patriotic and i did have the navy and cream color yarn, the third blanket i started on is red white and blue. ish.
i guess its just that even if i'm in a shit mood i cant seem to manage to figure out my own life, i can still do something for someone else, and that makes me feel a little bit better. i have a bad habit of trying to fix things for other people bc i cant seem to figure out the puzzle pieces to fix myself, and that doesnt always work out helping people but at least this way it's just a nice gesture and i dont expect anything from them in return and that makes me feel better and seriously i'm rambling a lot this morning and i know its bc i'm still on edge and i know i'm getting in a worse and worse mood the closer christmas comes and i seriously apologize for that. i wrapped my last present yesterday and i stared at my tree and i listened to judy garland and i did not feel christmasy at all. maybe i'll go cut out some snowflakes like i did in kindergarten.
my dog is freezing to death because i refuse to turn the heat up. she is currently asleep under 3 blankets.
i kind of want to take a vacation and skip christmas and go to the beach or something. but that would probably end up like my last beach trip. and that, my friends would be the worst christmas present ever.
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