So i forgot to mention in my late night ramble that by keeping this job i'll be working from home for a little while. in all the mess, this company is getting kicked out of the office space and the deal hasnt finalized for new space (i'm hoping its over by starbucks. there goes my whole raise!), so until something happens, business casual is currently sweatpants and my transformers tshirt. half of me likes it but the other half NEEDS TO SEE PEOPLE.
but i'm feeling better and better about this decision. i'm making good changes in my life and feeling, if not necessarily better, more understanding about some things. i'm always learning. and for that i can at least be greatful. sure, i'm still going to get down in the dumps and wish a lot of things had worked out differently. but at least i know without a doubt it has never been for the lack of me trying. and in that, the point of this blog, sorta. on twitter i follow a couple random inspirational/motivational/whatever sites that definitely fulfill that whole 'food for thought' aspect of my day. my favorite is tinybuddha. and one of the most recent quotes posted caused one of those ah ha! moments for me. "Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown There was an article attached, which you can find here. reading that article i felt like it was wrote just for me. that angry, resentful, distrusting person is me. and i've held on to that person, that anger, for a very very long time. i know its not healthy for me. i know i'm not going to find those good things in life as long as i hold onto that. and i know its time to let it go.
and let me tell you, letting go is hard. forgiving the person who has hurt you more than anyone on the planet is officially the hardest thing to do. i've forgiven family, i've forgiven strangers. but the hardest thing i've ever had to do is forgive someone who hurt you with love. so i'm working on that. i'm working on forgiving. and i'm working on forgiving myself. because for a long time i thought if i did this or that, if i was stronger, if i was more supportive, if i said it enough... but no. that wasnt the case. i was strong, i was supportive, and no one on the planet doubted i said it enough. and it's just as hard to forgive myself for lying to myself that things would work out the way i thought they must. changing my hair fiery red again, it felt good this time. not a hiding myself, needing to be someone different. but this time, its the me i am. i'm obnoxious and i have a stupid laugh and when i fall in love i'm head over ass on cloud 9. i hate socks and i love little kids laughter and i trust even when i know i shouldnt. and i forgive myself for thinking that any of that was a bad thing or somehow wrong. bc i'm exactly who i'm supposed to be. and its hard to remember that sometimes. and while i'm in no way saying i'm positive and chipper (bc lets face it, chipper just wasnt written in my genetic code) at least i'm working on not being so angry. bc i think thats why i was sick for so long. i let the anger take over and it physically destroyed me. so i'm physically and emotionally fighting myself every step of the way to let go and do happy.
i dont know why i'm posting this. maybe its to to remind myself that i can do this down the road when i slip up and get sad. i know i'm going to be sad on christmas. bc this christmas i wont be with the people i love most in this world. one of those people is going to forever be a stranger. but, that isnt my choice and i have to get past it. it wont be easy, but knowing that i can be happy and positive and have more good in my life (bc i'll be the first to admit i do have good things, people, etc in my life, as is evident from my thanksgiving thankful posts which i'm glad i did to remind me) is very good encouragement.
for a long time i thought i needed someone in my life. as it turns out, i did need someone, i needed me. i'd lost me along the way, and i'm working very hard to find me again. happiness is something we're all due.
lovelove to all
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