This will be one of my ever popular list posts. Life makes more sense when I can put it in a list.
1. When I finally decided at 6 this evening that it would be a good thing to get dresses, I had one of those flashbacks I have. I've been having a lot of flashbacks lately. It makes me wonder if I was ever on drugs and didn't know it. (kidding. sorta.) But this flashback happened as I put on a t-shirt overtop of a thermal long sleeve shirt. Or as most of us know it, standard winter attire. Now lets go back to the mid-to-late 90s. When everything was layered with a finishing touch of flannel and carpenter pant jeans. This style drove my grandmother (on mom's side) absolutely nuts. She would say my cousins and Michael and I looked like little hoodlum orphans. She didn't understand why we'd put a short sleeve shirt over top of a long sleeve shirt. Wouldn't it just make more sense to wear a sweater? So being evil teens that we were, anytime we'd get together for family functions we'd really up the orphan chic attire just to annoy Mommaw. And it would every time. We thought we were so funny. And as I put my outside layer over my inner layer today, I really missed her (she died when I was in 10th grade) and thought that if I could go back in time I would dress nicely every time I saw her just to make her happy. I'd wear the skirts and pearls she always wanted to see me in instead of the Rage Against the Machine shirt and my jeans with more holes than swiss cheese. But I think even she realized that we were just being little teenage shits and she griped at us because she loved us. But one day, I'm going to wear the pearls for her. She left me her favorite pair with a note that said when I got married she'd really like if I wore them. And if I ever do, I will.
2. A lighter subject, perhaps. My brother and little cousin are clueless when it comes to Valentines Day and it is absurdly adorable. I talked to Michael yesterday morning to make sure he remembered to get Naomi something. He said that yes, he's not an idiot (he didn't do anything last year and apparently faced the wrath enough to know better this time) and he got her flowers. When I asked her what kind he bought, he had no clue. I was dumbfounded. How can you not know what kind of flowers you bought? Did you buy them off the back of a truck? His answer (and read this in perfect Michael monotone because he's playing a video game and your conversation is not worthy of his time) was that he clicked on the link that said "Valentines Extravaganza!" and it was only 40 dollars so he figured if it had the holiday mentioned in the name it must be quality. Now. Let us all just take a moment what a 40 dollar Extravaganza! could look like. I am afraid. And then there is L.J. He hasn't quite figured out the art of flirting. While on the phone yesterday he told his girlfriend that she was 'like, the biggest distraction in his life right now.' If you break this down in L.J. terms, he really meant this as a compliment. But to the other 99% of the worlds population, this sounds awful. I saw the words DOOM above his head as soon as he said it and I couldn't help but cringe and laugh. He really had to do some quicktalking to worm his way out of that one.
3. Can I just have one small self pity moment here. I was sad because I didn't get flowers this year. And I know, I knoooow that that is the most ridiculous thing to be sad over but I hated watching everyone at work get theirs and I hated the uncomfortable 'have a nice weekends' that everyone gave me bc you could read their thoughts as to whether or not they should wish me a happy Vday or would it hurt my feelings, etc etc. In years past even dad stepped up and would get me flowers, and thats major stepping up for the padre. So let me have my moment of self pity and eat my cherry gummy hearts in my lonesome. Although I wasn't completely left out, Shainna sent me a card and I appreciate her for it greatly.
4. If you dont go to any other link I ever post, go to this one, Badass of the Week. It is one guy's take on people, be they real or fiction, and a handful of things that he considers to be Badass. And you know what, most of them are really interesting. It is history as told by MTV. If you wade through all the f-bombs and references to testicles, it is super interesting. And frankly, the way this guy writes with all the f-bombs and testicles really makes it fun to read. This is probably how future generations will have to be taught history just to make it interesting. And it makes me laugh. Not my silent laugh, not even the HAGH laugh. But the laugh few have witnessed. The full on death cackle that leaves me in tears. I wholeheartedly approve. A few of my favorite excerpts (bc there are very long detailed histories on each person) include:
Emperor Justinian II of Byzantium: Together with his new allies, Justinian rode out for the gleaming spires of Constantinople. His force was too small to penetrate the massive walls of the heavily-fortified city, but like any good diabolical madman hell-bent on the destruction of his enemies, Justinian had a plan. He knew about an old abandoned aqueduct that ran into the heart of downtown Constantinople, so in the middle of the night he and his men snuck into town through a series of secret passages and immediately started fucking shit up Trojan Horse-style, hacking up motherfuckers, burning shit, and generally just causing more havoc than a punch bowl of Red Bull at a birthday party full of eight year-olds being held in a Fabergé Egg museum.
Nikola Tesla: Of course, much like many other eccentric giga-geniuses and diabolical masterminds, Tesla was also completely insane. He was prone to nervous breakdowns, claimed to receive weird visions in the middle of the night, spoke to pigeons, and occasionally thought he was receiving electromagnetic signals from extraterrestrials on Mars. He was also obsessive-compulsive and hated round objects, human hair, jewelry, and anything that wasn't divisible by three. He was also asexual and celibate for his entire life. Basically, Nikola Tesla was the ultimate mad scientist, which is seriously fucking awesome.
Voytek the Soldier Bear: In addition to kicking peoples’ asses and drinking beer, Voytek also enjoyed taking hot baths for some reason. Over the summer in Palestine, he learned how to work the showers, and you could pretty much always find him splashing around the bath house. Once, he entered the bath hut and came across a spy who had been planted to gather intelligence on the Allied camp. Voytek growled, slapped the dude upside his stupid head, and the man immediately crapped his pants and surrendered. The Soldier Bear was lauded as a hero for successfully capturing an enemy agent, who in turn was interrogated and gave up vital intelligence on enemy positions.
Joan of Arc: Joan was a badass warrior babe who stomped crotches across Paris in her short but retardedly successful career as a military commander and a Knight of France, though I feel as though I should go ahead right now and tell you that she was definitely NOT the sort of oversexed licentious warrior babe you see in movies and video games that wears next to nothing in terms of clothing and gives you a boner because OH YEAH she's also a fucking pure-as-the-driven Catholic Saint you goddamned perverts. She was a tough, pious, god-fearing crusader who wouldn't even hesitate to bash you over the head with a rusty pipe if you stood between her and the liberation of her homeland from foreign aggression.
Chuck Yeager: If you were to look up the words "balls-out" or "fearless" in the Great Big Encyclopedia of Ultimate Badassitude, you'd probably just see a giant picture of Chuck Yeager's scrotum. The man was the world's premier test pilot for over three decades, literally getting into giant rocket-propelled flying deathtraps with wings, embarking on the most dangerous flights ever attempted, and blasting through the stratosphere at ludicrous speeds so fast that most lesser people would have their brains blast right out the backs of their heads. The man is an aviation legend, a pioneer in the field of "going as fast as fucking possible just for the sake of being totally awesome", and a guy who made a living out of giving the Grim Reaper the finger, spitting in his eye, and/or pounding him in the balls with a two-by-four.
Seriously. Go read some of the entries. They are great.
5. I have the day off tomorrow and my plans initially involved being productive but now involve watching many many episodes of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 thanks to Chris Bailes. And it is good.
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