the rambling first.
-i have a monster headache and i'm afraid to move from the way i am sitting for fear i may puke.
-at the bar last night i managed to get cheered and booed by the entire bar in a span of 5 minutes. frankly i was more embarrassed by the first.
-for dinner some friends and i went to the newish restaurant Yesterday's and i highly recommend it. the pasta is especially fantastic.
-i just realized (thanks to imdb) that josh brolin played the older brother in the Goonies, thus cementing my lifelong love of him.
and now the moping ramble. you can skip this if you would like.
-the Bad Day i had last week resulted in me talking to someone who i didn't want to. and just in about 4 sentences to fulfill a promise i had made i once again felt like shit. and i've been thinking about this since. it's not that i enjoy feeling like shit, bc who does. but that shit had become like a second skin to me, that feeling like shit had become.... well... comfortable? thats awful to even think about. do i want to go back to that? no never. as i've said, i finally have felt good about myself again in the last month or so. i think in that nearly 2 years of feeling like shit i completely lost who i was and am only now fighting my way back. but when something takes up that much of your life, you can't help but feel some type of pull i suppose. there will always be unanswered questions and blame and the what-ifs. but then too more and more there is a a lot of pity and being able to breathe again. it's interesting to look back and see that just because you did everything you could to help in any way possible and some ways that were seemingly impossible, that it really wasn't going to change anything and deep down you knew it and you tried everything to stop it in its tracks but just didn't want to admit it. but it's always going to be there and it's always going to effect the way in which you approach anything in the future and you're always going to think of the one or two good things that actually came out of it all. and you just have to work harder to overcome the stewing and continue with the good you were doing and enjoy the people around you, the ones who can be honest with you and love you for who you are not for what you could be if you changed or what use you can bring them. it's true that you accept the love you think you deserve, and for a long time i thought i deserved something subpar. but i don't think that anymore. and thats why i'm starting to be able to breathe again.
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