so. i finally told mom everything that has been going on for the last year of my life. well, i emailed it. i still cant bring myself to --tell- her. i told her i dont want to talk about it ever again and that i dont want to be coddled. theres nothing i can do about it. i feel really stupid because i dont know if i even knew the real zach and here i was planning to spend the rest of my life with him. i planned to move, have kids, the whole enchilada, and since that time, while i thought we were working things out, he got married, divorced, and engaged to a totally different person. what does that make me exactly?

a bleeding stupid heart for one, bc i'm still so worried about him. i cant even fathom what is going on in his mind right now. i dont want to. would i ever want to have kids with him now, no. but would i help pay for him to get professional help, yes. maybe thats silly of me. but i still care.

speaking of caring, i'm told that some of the towns worst hit by these storms were West Liberty and Saylersville, KY. so if you hear of any charities that are doing work in those areas, check them out. i know Red Cross is doing work there, so that text number i mentioned is important. help out those who have nothing left. things might be bad for you, but remember that there is someone out there who is having a worse experience. thats what i'm trying to remember and to do whatever i can to help them.

i would be lying to you if i said that i didnt still have love for zach. for the zach i thought i knew anyway, for the year we were together. and i dont know if that means i dont know what love is, since i loved a lie, but i did the best i could. i dont know what this means for future dating for me. i really dont. i wont let anyone ever hurt me like this has hurt me again. i just. i cant even fathom what is going on in the world right now, on so many levels. mostly personal ones.

i do wish him happiness. if this new fiance makes him happy, gets him to stop drinking so much, and gets his life in order, then she will be the best thing to ever happen to him and i will be glad for it. that doesnt make me any less sad for the way things have happened.

two steps forward and one step back. i gotta just take two more steps forward and remember that things may be hard now but they'll get better someday.