continuation.

this day has just been surreal.

i guess i didnt really explain earlier, bc i was in shock.

we'll lstart at the beginning. my car started making weird noises yesterday. the stranger, being a car guru, figured out what it was. he said he could get the part from the store when it opened at seven in the morning. so fine. so he goes and gets said part. on the way home, about a mile and a half from my house, there is a van, followed by a large truck, followed by the Stranger. the van slams on its breaks for reasons unknown. the truck, following too closely, too fast, swerves into the other lane to avoid the van. and plows right into, and over, a ford focus. the truck then flips end over end and wraps around a telephone pole. the focus has the top ripped off and goes over the hill. so the stranger pulled over, called 911 and went to the truck. he helped the guy out of the truck, he had a huge laceration across his head that the stranger tried to compress. once more people came, he went to the other car to see if he could help. he could not. there were only parts of that person left. just the thought of this absolutely horrifies me and breaks my heart, that this happened and that he had to see it. he then had to call the driver from the truck's 7 month pregnant wife for the guy, to tell her he was in a wreck but was mostly ok. we learned later that the guy who got hit, it was his sons 5th birthday.

this obviously sent me to bed. people drive way too fast on grafton road. hell, i drive to fast on that road. and now a kid will forever have a horrible memory of his birthday. it breaks my heart.

and of course all the stranger can this is that if my car hadnt acted up and i needed that part fixed, i would have been driving that stretch of road at pretty much that exact time. this made me think of the few years ago when that car driving on the wrong side of the interstate passed us and hit the van full of kids going to their christmas play. i cant help but wonder why not me. but thats a dark and scary road i dont want to go down.

but i drove home, and at the appropriate speed for once. i want to just put this in a tiny shoebox in the dusty corner of my mind, with all the other shoeboxes of memories i dont want. and whats worse is the Stranger isnt handling it. he came straight to my house, wouldnt talk about it at first, and worked on my car. and then stood in the shower for the better part of an hour. and only then would he tell me about it. and he was still in shock. is still in shock. i feel bad for leaving for braxton and him being there alone.

so there is that story. maybe i shouldnt have put that on here. i dont mean it to be disrespectful. i just need to type it out. am i selfish that i'm so so glad that i didnt see it? as the CRJ put it, he's mentally stable whereas i am not. and me seeing something like that... it probably would have destroyed me.

so. i'm home. and the stars are out. and i spent the evening by a campfire down by the river. playing with fire, getting closer and closer to get burnt. and i just couldnt stop.

i have to process all this. i'm sorry for bringing you down. good thoughts. jazzhands. prayers for the families.