sad dreams

i still feel like everything is off kilter and i cant place my finger on exactly what is bothering me. partly a dream i had last night (drug free). in it i was someplace, i dont know where. and i found a wallet. i knew it was someone's and in my mind i wanted to get revenge on them and i dont know, steal everything or destroy it or something. and the first thing i saw when i opened it up was a picture of me. and that made me stop and wonder what i really meant to them. i dont know that anyone has ever kept a photo of me in their wallet. and the photo wasnt pretty but i was laughing and genuinely having fun. and because of seeing that photo i got a piece of paper and wrote down everything i never got to say, everything i never thought would matter enough, everything everything. and i put it in the wallet and walked away. and then i woke up. and had a panic attack.

i was sitting here thinking about it and decided to look through my own wallet. i dont have photos of people. but i have a memento or two that no matter how many times i try to throw them away, they stay right there. and probably always will. those are my everything everything words.

madison's birthday is next week and every year i think of all the things that happened immediately around that time. a lot of things changed for me then. i don't think i would take a different path if i could, but i think i would like to have been stronger. to like myself more. to realize what i always knew and actually change things and not hope that someone else would. i'm not angry anymore, which is really important. but i dont think i'm ever not going to be let down. i believed in something. and i was wrong.

happier thoughts, though. i brought in one of laura's paintings to my office to liven the atmosphere up. the reds, oranges, and yellows really help. it's precariously rested on a binder right now, but hopefully soon it will be on the wall.

this is another public service announcement reminding you to wear sunscreen. i got my bill back yesterday from the biopsies. and mind you i do have insurance and they covered most of it. and i'm still going to have to pay nearly $400 myself. what a horrible day that was. they had me, and still do, completely terrified.

i yelled at brett because he jokingly, again, called me psychotic. it's one thing for me to make fun of myself, but i can't handle other people doing it. i yelled. and then i cried.

how bout a fun story. when i was little i had this godawful plastic horse. it was see-thru orange with orange glitter. and hot pink hair. and neon blue and green accessories. i loved this horse. i slept with it, bathed with it, threw it out of the dogwood tree trying to make it fly, pushed it over the hill in tonka trucks, and took it to church with me. i have no idea where it is now. i dont know why i just remembered it. it must not be that important.