i feel like all the ground i had built up to stand on was actually made of salt and all this rain has washed it back down to nothing.

maybe i talked about it on here before, i honestly cant remember, but the more i read this book that the therapist recommended i read, An Unquiet Mind, the more sense is made of the eightyfour thousand thoughts that race through my mind all the time. this person figured out how to put on paper what i've been trying to do for forever now.

i can not fix everything in a day. just like i cant fix everyone else. these two things are the hardest for me to accept. because i would rather everyone else be happy than me. and i have to start taking care of myself. i know i've said that before, a million times, but its just something i havent figured out how to do. bc its easier to hide in my bed, not sleeping, worrying about everything from people throwing away their lives to sea turtles being on the verge of extinction to the fact that i need to do laundry but can not physically bring myself to do it to the fact that i need to get my car inspected but going to the place terrifies me for no reason whatsoever. and instead of doing these things i could be hanging out with someone who wants to spend time with me, thinks i'm not crazy, etc. but instead i cant get up and out of pjs to drive 4 minutes across town.

i've been awake since 4am. but i am going to get out of bed now, go shower, and go practice pottery. bc i feel like it is the one thing i have in my life that i can do that will completely make the racing thoughts disappear. if only for a few hours. and in those few hours i feel calm and centered and ok.

i'm sorry. i dont mean to be so negative all the time. at least you got several days worth of happy fun andrea posts. and they'll be back. they always are. i'll sing and dance and put on the show and all will be well. and you'll laugh and love me and i'll feel worthwhile. and i'll cling to those moments, the moments of flying, because i'm aware (not barely, harhar) that it's always a roller coaster. and one day hopefully i'll be fixed. and all will be well. and i'll love you all the more.