i'll preface this with the fact that the other blog, the private one, got it a lot worse than you all do. although it also finally got written about my birthday.
at what point do you draw the line at loving someone enough to just give up? this is something that i have struggled with for years. i know it's my need to help everyone i meet, but in some cases, when is trying to help someone no longer worth the pain experienced by all involved?
i've found it to be impossible to convince someone of their worth. and i think this may be scarier and sadder than any addiction or drug habit or any bad thing i can think of. because feeling worthless removes yourself from the picture you have of the world. and once you lose yourself, it's very hard to come back.
whatever circumstances that form you form the good and bad that you carry. the good is so many times overlooked as something fleeting. people no longer expect to have the happy lifelong relationships with family and friends that our grandparents generation had. and i think its because we have become a very depressed people. we struggle to play the right sports, wear the right clothes, read the right books, go to the right schools, marry the right people, have the right jobs. i know many of these things i struggle with every day.
and i know it is so much easier to see the good in someone else than it is to see within ourselves. bc thats what we've been programmed to be. and after awhile we start to question whether we deserve those good things in our lives and then we start to not expect them at all. and then all we do is worry that our every move is letting people down and we build ourselves into a cage where we live and breathe unhappiness, but at that point its all that is known.
at what point do you give up trying to open that door to the cage for someone else? even if the outside isnt like some wonderful disney cartoon, it's going to be better than the cage. but at what point do you give up on someone because even if the doors are standing wide open, they wont come out? even if its bad, its what you've come to know. and the self doubt and self loathing and thinking you dont deserve good things become comfortable reactions to everyday life.
someone dear to me told me they couldnt live their own life bc they would be letting too many people down. that these people had invested too much money into seeing this path they thought must choose happen. from inside that cage, this makes sense. from the outside, it is sad and not at all true. from the outside one can see that choosing to be happy is worth far more to people than any amount of money, money that can be redeemed in other ways. at what point is anyone allowed to put a dollar figure on your happiness? i said this yesterday in a different context, but no amount of money can compare to being happy. and i fully believe that more than anything in this world. so how do you convince someone else that their happiness, that their worth, is far more than the cost of a plane ticket?
and at what point do you get worried enough to just give up? where do you draw the line because trying to show people their worth and that they deserve love is just causing them to remove further into depressed seclusion? when does helping become hurting.
these are things i wish i didnt have to think about and yet i wrestle with every day. so much more lately. its hard for me to accept that i cant help someone who means the world to me and that they dont think they deserve to even help themselves. it's so hard to step back and watch someone hurt themselves because they dont think they deserve anything.
and i know most of you are rolling your eyes and saying that i cant be talking about who you think i am, bc that just isnt possible. but theres a lot to people that we dont always see, or we dont always choose to see, or we arent allowed to see. and you probably think they dont deserve my worry in any way for all the hurt that has been caused. but if anyone, they deserve your good thoughts more than i do. and i dont question that one bit. the person you knew is only one side. and theres a whole other side that i love and worry about all the time.
i picked up two salvation army christmas stockings to fill today. i figure if i cant help those i love i can at least help those who need extra love this holiday season. a little boy and a little girl. hopefully i can bring a little happiness to their lives, and hopefully they will remember that they deserve to be happy.
everyone deserves happiness. and no one is going to be disappointed in you if you choose it. they will share in it and be happy for you.
lovelove.
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