how many times do you have to cut someone out of your life until they are gone completely? i feel like i do this on an hourly basis, and yet, there they still are. and its not because i want to. oh no. its definitely not because i want to. but its bc i have no other choice. its because of the 'greater good' (that, btw, is said in the most sarcastic of ways, bc i do not believe living your life for the greater good is giving up your own.)
and whats the price of sanity? I can't afford the costs of getting a new phone and number. but then i look at that dollar sign and wonder if feeling good about myself is worth that amount of money. and to that, the answer will always be yes.
i can't forgive people who let their family dictate their lives. yes, your family will influence who you are and will, hopefully, make you into a strong person capable of making your own decisions based on knowing what is best for yourself. instead i am surrounded by the fact that anything to do with me is entirely out of the question because of a list of qualities and characteristics i lack. and its not even that i lack them, its the fact that i do not even exist.
i will never be plain. i will never be boring. i cant even promise i will ever be a proper role model to another human being. i lose my temper faster than a match strike, but i am always the first to stand up for someone when i know without a doubt they are being wronged in the greatest of ways. but there comes a time and place where everyone must chose their own happiness. that is what being an adult is. being an adult is not foregoing your own dreams to appease others. especially when you only imagine and dont know from their own mouths what they are going to say.
i know i was put on this earth to help tke care of people. but sometimes, all the time, i have a terrible time accepting when people dont want to accept that help. i cant be the hand pulling everyone back from the edge when they are bound and determined to jump just so they do what they are expected, so they think, to do.
if anything i just add to my book of knowledge. i will never let another human being chose my life for me. i will only fight for someone, in this way, if they are willing to fight back for me. i will not rely on someone elses opinion to determine my happiness. happiness is what we make it, and you either work for it or you die. we cant change everything, we cant even change most things when it boils down to it. but we can love and we can know we tried. and we can be allowed to be angry when those things are what let us down.
i kind of feel like i am going to puke right now.
i read a study that our society has become an angry society. we dont think we deserve to be happy and our response toward anger has become a natural habit. we gravitate toward anger. we expect to be angry so we automatically are. i do not want to be this angry person. i have too many good people left in my life to be so angry all the time. i have too many opportunities ahead of me. and yet here i am furious because someone i care about thinks they are not worth anything. thinks they do not deserve to be happy. has been poisoned by people who should love and support them unconditionally into thinking they have zero options in life. i know we are supposed to show forgiveness to everyone, but this is something i dont know if i can forgive.
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