fail.

i said i dont want to talk about it again. but i dwell. i am a dweller. i make a living of dwelling.

and in a moment of perfect irony, i got my amazon order today. some are christmas presents for some of you and one was a book i had ordered, and canceled, or so i thought anyway. and this book. sure its just paper and ink and glue. but this specific book. it is the culmination of exactly what i believed in and was willing to do for all of this mess, how blindly i believed. the things i was willing to do (and i'm sure youre thinking, wtf kind of book is she talking about, its really NOT that kind of book) were absolutely ridiculous. bc it wasnt the point of what i was willing to do, it was the point of what wasnt to be done on the other end. and that set it all in stone for me. that this newfound realization was correct. and holy shit does it hurt. to be told that to try would be a dsappointment to too many people.

now. we all know i have never been known to have much selfesteem. but i would like to think that i would not be a disappointment. i have morals, though skewed they are in this situation. i have an education. i have good family and friends, much better than i deserve frankly. i help people when and how i can. i care about babies and puppies and old people. and somehow that isnt enough. and thats really a blow i wasnt prepared to take today.

i suppose some part of me should be glad this happened. that i didnt drag it out any longer and make a more unnecessary ass of myself. it's just hard to realize that something that you put so much stock in was never there in the first place. that truth and lies are blurred til its all smoke and mirrors.

i'm glad its raining, bc thats the mood i am in.