good friends

so. i've not slept. its a crazy not good feeling. but the dwelling and the stewing, they seem to take sleep and kick it in the shins.

in talking to friends about The Situation during these stewing and dwelling times, most have said the same two things.

1. they did not realize the seriousness of The Situation. which i guess would really be the seriousness of which i believed was the situation and the seriousness of which i wanted and tried for the situation. as we have established already, the situation had never actually been that serious and i was just too stupid to see it. in fact more than one person has said that had they known the whole story they wouldnt have been as mean about it or to it or to anyone. they all only saw one side of the story and did not like that side. and i want to say, see! there were other sides! but then, if no one else but me saw it, that doesnt validate it. people see aliens all the tme, that doesnt mean we believe them. the fact that i'm the only one who ever saw it, or at least thought i did, just means that it was never real enough for others to see. which all just goes back to i cant believe i didnt see it in the first place. but it is nice to know that people would have been more supportive had they known how i felt. i'm sure they would still be angry and all, but, theres that.

2. that no one thinks i'm stupid. this one, i dont know yet that i agree with, because i feel like a moron. but tonya dragged me out of bed yesterday to go eat dinner with the constant mantra that i am not stupid. you cant help what you believe in. its stronger and more important than any amount of money or social status or family approval. and if i believed it, then i believed it. and now that i see how things really are, that doesnt make me stupid. supposedly. i still havent quite bought into this one bc if i werent stupid i would have picked up on the fact that all this would never happen a long time ago, one would think. i mean you all saw it. but then, where does that mesh with #1. i dont know. i've been whining and writing about The Situation for well over two years. the Situation never changed. at what point is what i believed in become invalid and stupidity take over? probably day 2.

at any rate, i'm going to go see a man about a phone today. i just didnt quite feel up to it last night. hopefully they will be nice to me today bc i am cranky and crampy. although the latter, i suppose i should be greatful for, bc THAT would just be comic irony that i just couldnt handle.

i promise the whining will end soon. for your sake. thanks for understanding and listening and being my friends anyway.

lovelove