i think i've finally come out of my fog long enough to get to the mad. because for me to have blindly believed all that for so long, even though it wasnt going to happen, i had to have something to base it on. you cant hang yourself without rope, metaphorically speaking. and all those 'good things' you all didnt see, that was my rope. so this isnt all my fault. i wouldnt have kept coming back to the mess ha dthere not been something to come back to. hell, there technically was even A Way to it all, but that wasnt good enough (this stems back to the disappointment, which as we've made clear, really fucking hurts my feelings and pisses me off.)
there are a ton of questions that i never got the answers to. i didnt even get lies, i just got ignored. and i wish i had it in me to hate, bc that would just make it easier. i'm just very very let down. what it boils down to is you dont tell someone that you love them and want to marry them but cant bc it would be a disappointment to your family. flat out. thats whats going on here. its a disappointment to your friends and family and someone out there is only disappointed bc they might not get to wear a dress. yeah. thats love.
from now on, lets all not tell people things if you arent willing to act on it. whats that stupid saying, don't write checks your ass cant cash? well how bout dont get someones hopes up if you're just going to ditch them so you dont disappoint people. when it really wouldnt be a disappointment at all. grrr.
i will be taking ambien tonight, bc i'd really like more than 2 hours of sleep.
and to improve my mood (sarcasm) my order from victoria secret came in (coupon) so dear men of Washington, D.C. watch out. i'm hurt and pissed off and as of monday, on the prowl with some pretty lacy underwear.
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