that old feeling

well kids. i'm back. well, as far as the brax. i'll be in the Mo tomorrow. and i cant help but say, not a minute too soon.

i'm not going to lie. my vacation was not all it was cracked up to be. yes the weather was nice and sunny, and i read 7.5 books but i had things on my mind that did not make it great. oh fuck it. 99.9% of you know who i refer to vaguely and i know you already hate him, so i might as well say it. todd waltzed back into my life and once again swept me off my feet with declarations and lies only to once again (and should i be surprised? no) has left, letting me crash all over again. i'm so mad at him i could scream. and i have. i'm mad at the axis of evil who decides what he can and can not do with his life (oh, did i just compare someone to hitler? yes. i most certainly did. there will be no pity in that direction anymore, for someone so needy and tyranical.) and i'm mad at him for laying down and taking it. you can love someone unconditionally, and you can need them in your life, but not when they tear you down repeatedly. there is no place for friendship in this situation anymore. i cant handle being hurt by this situation again. you dont need to hear about all the mopey details and i'll save that for my private blog. but i just want you to know why i'm in such a foul mood. which is why i want each of you to promise me right now that if i ever bring this up again, you will punch me as hard as you can in the stomach. bc i'd rather feel physical pain that ever ever let myself get in this situation with this coward again. (i realize i sound mean. and i deserve to. but i am really really upset about all this. as most of you know anyway. you think you know someone, and it turns out it doesnt matter enough.)

but i digress. other than worrying about that every waking and most sleeping moments of my trip, i did get a lot of reading in. 7.5 books in fact. all the ones on my list except the richard the 3rd one. but i included Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, and Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. i recommend them both. i'm also halfway thru Gone with the Wind. this may be the most painful book i've ever read. i hate the characters. i love the historical background however. the civil war was the first history that i was very interested and studied for my own benefit and i've gotten away from it. i think i'll pick that back up. but it was nice to read things for pleasure and not for the sake of the government.

and i dont care how old i get, that building that looks like a penis in winston-salem makes me giggle each time we pass it.

and i feel bad for saying something depressing after a penis joke, but please send good thoughts to shainna's baby cousin who is having heart surgery, my aunt who was diagnosed with breast cancer, and as always lukas. and maybe one or two to me, for i feel like i'm losing my mind. i will not allow myself to sink back into my depression like i do each time the above mentioned situation happens. and i will not sink my sorrows in booze. i'm just really glad i will be surrounded this coming weekend for my birthday that i know without a doubt love me and care about me enough to be in my life and will stand by me no matter what bullshit i get myself into.

but i am ready to get back into a routine. zumba twice a week is going to be important now more than ever. work even, i realized this week that my friends there care about me more than i deserve. we are supposed to find out by the end of the month what is going to happen with our contracts as the recovery act money is nearly spent out. who knows, maybe i'll end up in shanghai teaching english. i think its about time to take the joel lancaster approach to life and run away for awhile.

but lets not let this be only an angry post. i did, with moms camera, get some nice photos this week. let those be my apology for sucking at life today. or i lied. brxton internet sucks and wont let me upload photos. i'll do this tomorrow, i swear.

i love you anyway, dear readers. well. most of you.