everyone please take a minute and say a prayer for my friend barb and her twins. There are complications where one twin is getting all the nutrients and it's harming the other. They are trying to fix this but it's very difficult and could lead to some scary and serious choices on barbs part. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I hate when nightmares are so real that you wake up sobbing. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

and once again the universe reminds me that everything is going to be ok, that this new path I'm on is exactly where I need to be. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

since when am i a painter?

painting for some reason makes sense to me lately. messy painting. i finished a nerdy painting for my intern, something from zelda i dont know but he likes it.

i have 4 other mini canvases for other people i need to figure out something to paint.

i had a good day with mom and dad. i think mostly they came up and spent the night to make sure i wasn't in the floor crying, surrounded by piles of trash. luckily this time around getting sad has made me clean a lot. to the point when i'm even thinknig of getting rid of some of my books. scary, i know.

my friend barb is expecting twin boys soon so i picked her up some baby clothes. and oh holy hell. baby boy clothes are so adorable. it really made that baby timer in me start ticking. i really have to sit down and start making some sort of life plan. bc i have goals. not for today or tomorrow, but in life. i guess what i'm trying to say is someday down the road i do want kids. and i want to be able to share that with someone.

life blah. i always have sort of a downer evening after having such a good weekend. but i'm gonna keep on with what i'm doing, bc it's better than sitting at home being sad.

i had such a good time last night/this morning. there was a band playing at Gibbies last night (the tom batchelor band, you should check them out) and it was just great. i didnt even have much to drink but i decided that if i wanted to do things, i was going to do it. so when a stranger asked to dance, i did it. when i felt like dragging everyone else i knew to the dance floor, i did it. three hours passed in what felt like 20 minutes bc i was actually HAVING A GOOD TIME. it's a novel concept. or at least something i'd forgotten.

we went back to a friend's house til all hours of the morning so they could jam (bc somehow that is what always happens with people i know, which is a nice thing that i have such musical people in my life). somehow the last nine months of my life became topic of conversation. as much as i talk about it on here, i dont enjoy talking about it at all in real life. but i felt better that people agreed that it wasnt my fault. and in a really barbaric horrible way, i felt really good that my guy friends rallied around and offered to kick some ass. having guy friends has gotten me in trouble in relationships before when people are unjustly jealous, but times like now, it's nice to know they are there. i can take care of myself, but it's always nice knowing that there is someone with muscle having your back. hah.

i need to get off my ass soon bc mom is on her way up to shop. i know we'll end up at the craft store which is good, bc i need supplies to finish the five random crafts i offered to make on facebook.

all in all i had a good time last night. granted it was something like i would have done five years ago, but sometimes you just want to forget the problems of your life and listen to the music. and i need to remember to do that more often.

much love from me.

Its been a long time since someone played drunken guitar for me. Who is also drunk. Also I danced with a hot stranger tonight. Woohoo - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

so it hit me that there is no point sitting at home alone pining over something that isn't going to happen. So, I made a move for once and am going out. Look at me growing some figurative testicles. I've been talking to a guy who sounds pretty interesting. Teaches history. Drives a motorcycle. Has abs. Clearly these are the superficial things that attract me, and I'm trying to make this lighthearted. But we have had some really interesting convos online so I figure why not? I've got nothing to lose. If it sucks then it sucks and at least I put myself out there. Terrified? Duh. Do you know how long it's been? I've been in a cycle of breaking up/fixing zach for so long that I dunno if I remember how to date. But. He's made it perfectly clear he's moves on. So I will to. His loss. But I am excited. And I feel like things are gonna be ok. Maybe not what I want or planned, but maybe there's something else out there that I will want more. Life has a crazy way of making things work out the way they are supposed to. And this isn't saying I'm not sad anymore bc I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But. I can't wait on someone who doesn't even want to speak to me. Here goes nothing... - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone