I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.

I try so hard to do things for other people, even total strangers, for Christmas and all time to make their lives, their holidays, better. And I can't have the one and only thing I want for Christmas. The one thing I want every day.

I feel like there is something wrong with me. That I am undeserving.


All I want for Christmas is to work things out with Zach. There. I said it. Some of you probably think I'm dumb. But I love him. And I know if we tried we could have a good future.

But i guess we don't always get what we ask for.

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this is going to be my motto for the new year.

I can't sleep. It's three am, a time I don't normally see.

I'm trying to do the right things with my life. I dunno if I am but I at least am trying. That's a start, right?

I just can't spend all my time furious anymore. It does me no good. I waited to be shown something different but it never happened. So now im trying something new and scary. But maybe a clean slate is what I need. I genuinely don't know. But I'm going to find out.

No more excuses. No more lies. If people want to be in my life they will show me why they are worth it. I deserve to be fought for dammit. I deserve to feel special. I'm waiting to be impressed. If only people would take the hint and do something about it.

Side thought. Seeing photos of your exs spouse, in any situation, makes you sad and ill. It should be something I'm used to by now as it happens so often. But every time it's a punch in the gut. Especially when everyone looks happy in the photo.

It's almost a new year. I don't know what it will bring. All I can do is pray it'll be less heartache than this year. Hopefully I'll learn to trust again.

For now, I just want to sleep without the nightmares.


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food poisoning sucks. i thought i had it once before, but it has been nothing like this. this has lasted all weekend.

you know that scene in Dumb and Dumber? yeah, you know that scene. you will never look at me the same way now, will you.

i broke down and got mcdonalds this afternoon bc i wanted real food, not soup and toast and bananas and gatorade (so decreeth my mom as the cure for this illness). and my stomach has been talking angrily all day. why is it that when y ou get sick all you want is food that is bad for you? bc right now I want extra crispy KFC. what whaaat.

i dont know if it is just me but it doesnt feel christmasy and its 2 weeks away. maybe its bc it hasnt snowed much, which frankly i'm ok with, but this year nothing seems christmasy. i've finished all my crafting and i'm waiting for a few things yet to come in the mail for the brother bc obviously he wouldnt be interested in a crochet scarf. I'm really proud of myself that most of what i did this year is handmade.

i've got a lot of resolutions for the new year. frankly i'm not sorry to see this one come to an end. it's just been rough. and not even winter-depression rough. those i know i can get through. this year has just made me lose a lot of faith in humanity. or maybe trust. i dont know. this year has just made me really really tired. maybe odd number years arent good for me?

i am not going to pretend that i know what the next year has in store for me. maybe a move somewhere maybe not. things with the company are moving slower in DC than they told us so there may not even be a job there for me to consider for awhile. but at least i've put feelers out. i'm genuinely trying to better myself or at least put myself on some sort of good track so that hopefully good karma will come back to me. i have to believe that everything does happen for a reason and this year will have been a good learning experience.

(lesson one? dont trust the eel.)

who has two thumbs and food poisoning?

This girl.


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is it too much to ask in this life to be able to trust someone and not be lied to? Bc my ability to believe is shot.

I'm tired of being made a fool.


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