I think seeing my puppy look sad bc she can sense that I am sad is the saddest thing of all.



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i need someone to tell me that things are going to be ok. bc i don't see how that is possible right now.

how can someone love me and do this? i understand depression. i understand what a major sickness it is. but there is nothing ok about what has transpired. you cant go back from this. you cant just say sorry, send some flowers, and promise a lifetime without lies.

i dont know how i am ever going to trust again. and that is the worst thing a person can feel, that they dont know what to believe, who to believe. what is the point now?

i feel like i'm fraying around the edges. i cant be the one who is strong for everyone.

i am in shock. i'm confused. i'm hurt. and i cant function.

I also don't think it's humanly possible to cry more than I have today.

I don't know what to do with my life. But I can't keep doing this.


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my migraine is coming back and it's raining.

I don't know if it is humanly possible for this day to get any worse.

I feel like a fool.


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I'm putting in my formal request to transfer to DC today, if this new contract is awarded. I'm putting that out in the universe as an option, as moving to Lexington is no longer one.

As compassionate and forgiving as I am, it turns out there are some things I can't forgive. My trust in humanity has absolutely been destroyed.

I'm thankful for my friends. Once again having to pick me up and dust me off and standing by me without judging. I don't know what I'd do without these few people in my life.

If you know Anyone who needs a wedding dress, they can have mine. If not I'm donating it to salvation army this wrkend. Maybe someone out there will actually find a use for it. Bc I frankly think it will be a miracle if I ever get married in this lifetime, bc my faith in humanity is shattered. Trust and honesty are the two most important things in this world, and I don't know if I am ever going to find them.

I have all these crocheted squares for a blanket I'm not goig to finish. I feel like a fool about it now. I guess I cn make them into lap blankets for the nursing home. At least those people will care and be appreciative.

It's really hard for me not to be bitter. But I don't know how to trust when people consistently let me down.

I think if I had to put it in words, it would be the total grief you see in Emma thompsons character in Love actually when she confronts her husband. Turns out, I am not strong enough to stick around when I know life will always be a little bit worse.

So. Once again. I'm back to square one, figuring out how to take care of myself. Bc it's harder and harder to be strong each time I am so deeply and completely let Down.

I'm going to try to sleep now. Even an hour is better than nothing I guess.

Turns out, love doesn't fix everything. You have to be able to trust someone. And I can't.


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I have to be strong now. Harder than I've ever tried before.

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it's not that i dont think about writing. i genuinely do think about it. but theres only so many ways that i can say, work is good if not busy, the gym is still hard and i'm in a rut on the weight loss, though it probably has to do with the fact that i eat cake icing as a snack, i havent been online much in the evenings bc i've been doing a lot of craft projects and teaching a friend to do different crafts. and as you can see, i'm sitting at home on a friday night.

in my defense, i have a headache. i have a lot of those lately. i talked to the doctor and we're switching some of my drugs. so here's hoping.

it's veterans day and i thank any vet out there reading this. i know many out there and while i will always stand by the fact that i dont always agree with war, i absolutely support anyone who is willing to give their life for our crazy ass country.

and on this veterans day, me and my headache ate that cake icing and watched Bones on netflix. also, my dog stole some deli ham i planned on eating, ate it, and later threw it up on this very laptop. THANK YOU VETS.

note: i cleaned it. luckily it was closed.

also, go on youtube and type baby monkey riding a pig. you'll thank me.

i feel like i cant write bc i dont have anything exciting to talk about to entertain you people.

when i have something fun to say, i will tell you. much love from my general direction.