the stars are out for the first time in a long time.

and they are beautiful.

on an unrelated note, this is nifty.

sad dreams

i still feel like everything is off kilter and i cant place my finger on exactly what is bothering me. partly a dream i had last night (drug free). in it i was someplace, i dont know where. and i found a wallet. i knew it was someone's and in my mind i wanted to get revenge on them and i dont know, steal everything or destroy it or something. and the first thing i saw when i opened it up was a picture of me. and that made me stop and wonder what i really meant to them. i dont know that anyone has ever kept a photo of me in their wallet. and the photo wasnt pretty but i was laughing and genuinely having fun. and because of seeing that photo i got a piece of paper and wrote down everything i never got to say, everything i never thought would matter enough, everything everything. and i put it in the wallet and walked away. and then i woke up. and had a panic attack.

i was sitting here thinking about it and decided to look through my own wallet. i dont have photos of people. but i have a memento or two that no matter how many times i try to throw them away, they stay right there. and probably always will. those are my everything everything words.

madison's birthday is next week and every year i think of all the things that happened immediately around that time. a lot of things changed for me then. i don't think i would take a different path if i could, but i think i would like to have been stronger. to like myself more. to realize what i always knew and actually change things and not hope that someone else would. i'm not angry anymore, which is really important. but i dont think i'm ever not going to be let down. i believed in something. and i was wrong.

happier thoughts, though. i brought in one of laura's paintings to my office to liven the atmosphere up. the reds, oranges, and yellows really help. it's precariously rested on a binder right now, but hopefully soon it will be on the wall.

this is another public service announcement reminding you to wear sunscreen. i got my bill back yesterday from the biopsies. and mind you i do have insurance and they covered most of it. and i'm still going to have to pay nearly $400 myself. what a horrible day that was. they had me, and still do, completely terrified.

i yelled at brett because he jokingly, again, called me psychotic. it's one thing for me to make fun of myself, but i can't handle other people doing it. i yelled. and then i cried.

how bout a fun story. when i was little i had this godawful plastic horse. it was see-thru orange with orange glitter. and hot pink hair. and neon blue and green accessories. i loved this horse. i slept with it, bathed with it, threw it out of the dogwood tree trying to make it fly, pushed it over the hill in tonka trucks, and took it to church with me. i have no idea where it is now. i dont know why i just remembered it. it must not be that important.

hrm

do you ever feel like something is missing? like part of you has vanished. maybe its bc i have felt like boo boo garbage for the last three days, but something is just off. maybe its just because i'm not sleeping again. but something is not right. i dont like worrying when i dont know what i should be worrying about.

lights will guide you home.
and ignite your bones.
and i will try to fix you.

all your base are belong to ME

here are some of my pots. with bases! it's so hard to make the lighting look right when trying to take photos of these. the one on the right looks all wonky but its actually a spiral that looks bad ass in real life.

allowing myself to pat myself on the back.

desks white people like

so i think i jinxed myself saying i havent gotten a migraine lately because i woke up this mornign with my head hurting so bad i wanted to vomit (pretty picture, eh?). but i'm trying to be better at not weenying out of work when i feel like garbage, so i dragged myself in. maybe it was because the lights had been on but the smell of carpet glue was intense. bleh. but enough of that. i put up some of my desk stuff (since we cant put anything on the walls yet, but i plan on it, some of laura's works, woo). and here is what we have:My bethany inspiration, my frog from my favorite teacher in high school, my pooping panda, and a neat glass vase of dried pink roses.
My 'wow, you're a nerd' area with my Stuff White People Like calendar (today's like: wine), my 4 art prints from an artist in ireland. the top left is josephine and napoleon, bottom left is queen elizabeth, top right is a queen of hearts and the jack of hearts, and the bottom right is a boy going to space with an apparently sad girl watching. then you will see the awesome leg lamp, and again the pooping panda. because i keep shit classy.

and then my favorite part, and in a photo that turned out pretty awesome if i say so myself:
My solar powered ferris wheel. Since i dont have the sun close by, it plugs into the wall and has a lightbulb set up to move it. but still. how cool is that? it moves and everything.

i still have a vicious headache but i am going to pottery. i will try and get some new photos.

also, i may have put a small (large) dent (hole) in the front bumper of the car from hitting a pothole. now you may scoff at this until you factor in that the potholes in this town are so deep you can swim in them and not touch the bottom. i cant wait to hear the judgement on that one.

so she did.

i heart bethany. so much. she has sent me so many nice cards lately and they make me feel good. and today, she topped herself times a billion and sent me a package! i know i have said it before but i love getting packages in the mail. you could probably just send me a box of packing peanuts and i'd get excited. but this one had things in it! books! and stickers! and the neatest little desk plaque thing that says 'she believed she could. so she did.' and i love that. that was exactly what i needed to hear today. bc i've been questioning a lot of things. and i know i'm on the right path. i believe i can and by Shatner, i will.

so we moved into our new but still temporary offices today. its much nicer because i have SPACE. the downside is that there are no windows. this is obviously not good for me. so i'm going to try and decorate as much as i can and make it fun. my own space. for now.

i dont care how embarrassing it is, but i love this song. it makes me think of sunshine and the smell of flowers and saltwater and being barefoot and goofy grinning and dancing in the rain. it makes me excited for changes coming my way.

i hope everyone is having a good day.

lovelove

my ears stick out too far. its genetic.

my teeth are crooked because i wouldnt wear my retainer because it wasnt cool.

i cant tell a story without waving my arms like i'm directing flight patterns. and when i am telling a story its such a circular mess that only two percent of the worlds population can even understand me.

i wish i had more freckles. but i will wear sunscreen now, because now i know better.

i love daffodils because they remind me of home.

i miss how snow used to taste when you were little and had a snow day and got to play outside all day, up and down the hill, making snow angels, chasing a collie, building misshapen snowmen with blaze orange hunting caps and a barbie scarf.

i miss my collie.

the first time i saw dead poets society was thanksgiving break in 8th grade and i cried for a solid hour after it ended.

i had a box of dress up clothes with my initials on it at my grandparents house. my favorite piece of clothing was a green and black dress mom made me for halloween.

my older cousin convinced me i could catch minnows in the creek with a butter bowl and a can of cheese. i still think somehow it could work.

i remember being very young and my dad telling me beer tasted like soda. i'm fairly certain he would have let me try it had mom not yelled at him.

driving onto campus makes me very incredibly chest caving in sad. not because of missing school. i avoid downtown as much as i can.

all i wanted today was watermelon. and i had to buy one of those platters with all the other fruits in it to get the watermelon. and it was delicious.

as much as i hate Gone with the Wind, i love Gone with the Wind.

i'm doing a collaborative writing project this summer that i'm really excited about. i get to complain. its like my first language.

if i had to have someone write my life soundtrack, it would be norah jones.

i miss easter hats and white chocolate rabbits.

i bought 4 cadbury eggs today instead of 6 in hopes the cashier wouldnt judge me. i think she did for the double stuff oreos.

i still wish i had been a groupie for a ska band.

i miss the biscuits my mommaw made.

the safety and boringness i claim to want may in fact be the one thing i keep running away from. i chase hopeless causes because i know they are hopeless. i'm working on this.

in the old house we had a string tied to the tv that stretched 3 feet. we had to sit behind the string so it wouldnt ruin our eyes. but really because i would cheat at duck hunt and michael would cry.

there is a house that strangers live in that has my handprints by their front steps. at least, i assume they are still there.

i can not sleep. i blame this weekends coma fest.

bleh.