thankful saturday

today i am thankful for my momma. not that i'm not thankful for her everyday, but, i thought i'd mention it today. and even though i dont fill her in on my life very often, if ever really, i know she loves me anyway.

she came up last night partly to go to the craft fair today and partly bc i was getting the homestead worked on. i got a new screen door! and it has glass! and it closes on the correct side! i know its super lame to get excited over a door, but i am. and we got all my winter windows put back in, so i wont be completely freezing to death this winter, only slightly frozen. and it was just nice to hang out with her. she doesnt ask questions when i'm brooding, which i both like and dislike. but she knows eventually i'll explode and tell her everything. and she'll tell me frankly to stop being an idiot, and i'll feel mostly better. so yeah. i'm thankful for momma.

i'm also kind of blue today. i woke up sad. but i wrote about that in the other blog so you don thave to hear it. but it didnt help this afternoon when mom told me both she and dad were working on christmas this year. its usually one or the other, but hasnt been both as long as i can remember. and i know i'm 26 and shouldnt be upset about that. but as lonely as i get at the holidays, this isnt going to help. anyone want to adopt me on christmas?? :(


the craft fair was nice. i got mammaw a christmas gift. and i got myself some earrings and a matching necklace made out of stained glass from a church that was torn down. and i felt good about that, in a strange way.

some evenings like this, i wish i had someone here with me. to just curl up in my pajamas and play board games or watch a movie. i'm starting to think all the 'normal' things i want in my life are not humanly possible for me.

thankful

today's thanksgiving thankful countdown is for the many advances in medicine and the professionals who help us get better.

my aunt had her surgery today and she came out of it well. the cancer they had thought had moved to her lymph nodes turned up negative in the initial testing. she did so well in the surgery and reconstruction that she might get to come home tomorrow.

we've all established that i am terrified of cancer. it is like the russian roulette of my gene pool, i'm going to get one, but which one i get is the bullet in the chamber. and i feel a lot better at the treatments and options that there are now and that there will be in the future. being able to see people my age have stage 4 lymphoma and come out of it gives me hope. which, if those of you didnt know, lukas is doing amazingly well with chemo and half the nodes are gone already.

i'm going to continue to support cancer research in any way i can for as long as i can and then i'll donate my guts to it. and i'm glad and thankful for the people who are strong enough to see it through to the other side. those people are my heros.

reminder

today is To Write Love on Her Arms day. i did it, and i'd show you if i had a camera. even if you dont write on yourself, take a moment to send good thought into the universe for those who feel they are worthless and unloved. because they're not. and they deserve to give themselves a second chance.

also, a heads up, but monday is another leonid meteor shower. so bundle up and go watch. it should be a very good one.

lovelove

thankful, day 3

this will tie back to day 1, but i am thankful for the people in my life who are honest with me. honesty is a virtue we take for granted in this society. and i know i preach it a lot, because frankly there was a large portion of dishonesty clouding my life for a very long time, as you have followed in this blog. but as of today, that is done. or at least, reallllly hope it is this time, because it's travelled from the land of ridiculous to nonsense in a few short emails. i have spent too much of my life trying to help someone who doesn't want helped and ignoring those around me who were honest and knew what was going on. once i get my blinders on, i do whatever i can to try and help. but some people dont want it, dont deserve it, dont understand it. for a moment today i questioned whether or not i had been in the wrong in a specific situation. but these people whom i've never doubted told me the truth. always the truth. and for once i'm really listening and paying attention. these honest people are my friends, and i'm so glad i have them in my life.

i'm also thankful that we have the ability to make changes in our life. i've spent too long feeling angry, worthless, guilty, and unhelpful. and i'm changing that today. i was on a good path in the spring, but fell off that path in mid-summer. but i'm goign to find my way back to it and continue to find the better me that I am supposed to be. i would like you all to think good thoughts for me, to help me see what exactly i need to be doing and where i need to be. the questionable nature of my work situation could very well be a blessing in disguise.

for the first time in a long time, i feel like i can finally see things for what they are and not what i wanted them to be. i can take responsibility for my fair share of the actions, but i'm not to blame. and i will never let anyone make me out to be the bad guy, especially when honesty is the main problem in the situation.

actually, my day got even better just as i was typing this. i must have a secure job because they just gave me another substantial raise, and they are doing it retroactively from my hire date anniversary (august) so i should be getting an extra banging paycheck in the mail soon. this takes care of quite a few of my worries, number one being those pesky doctor bills i had acquired that luckily i wont be going every three months for.

i think for the first time in nearly 3 years i'm heading my life in the right direction.

thankful

today for my countdown to thanksgiving, i am thankful for our servicemen and women, past and present.

i dont always necessarily agree with our military, but i do appreciate what they do for us, have done for us, will do for us. i've always been interested in military history, and i could spend days in the aerospace museum. actually, side note to self, i really want to go to an airshow this year. but i'm very glad we have people who are willing to do what they do.


here's a video of puppies and kids getting homecomings from their owner/parents who've been overseas on tour. it made me cry. but really, everything makes me cry lately. but the last video with the kids, that made me sob. those moments are why i'm glad there are good people in this world, and we need more of them.


in other news i dyed my hair red again. i dont know why its my go-to color. its about the most exciting thing i did on my day off. mostly i laid in bed with a headache. and a heartache.

i hope you all are well today. hug your veterans. hug your kids. hug your pets. hug anyone you have to hug and be thankful for them each and every day.

thankful

even though i'm in the dumps right now (whats new?) i saw a thing on facebook where every day you have to post something you are thankful for up until thanksgiving. and i think i need to do this, to remind myself that even when things seem like there is no hope, that there is.

today i am thankful for my friends. all of you have kept me from shattering into a million pieces so many times. have been understanding, loving, reprimanding, stern, honest, caring. you've watched me do terrible things to myself and yet you still stood by me. you've celebrated happy moments and hugged me in sad ones. and without you i dont know where i would be. those of you near and far, one i havent even met in person but who seriously is the inspiration for my hope of being a positive thinking person. i'm very thankful i get the honor of calling you friends. some have been here longer than others. some have made important impacts and then have gone. but you're all always in my heart and something i dont give thanks for enough.

J'adore l'amour Et je veux ton revenge

dear lady gaga. you are not the only person who can write a bad romance. i bet mine would be longer than yours. but never a best seller. no one would understand the point.


anyway. its a good video.