I think my problem is I hope and hold on for things, trying to fix them, when I know it's out of my hands to fix. When you've tried every possible thing imaginable.

I haven't cried this steadily since the end of April. Tears don't do any good. They never have.

I can't let myself lose it again. I am allowed to cry myself to sleep today. But I have to get out of bed tomorrow. I have to keep going.

This week, especially this long weekend, are going to be really hard. I should be celebrating one year engagement, eleven months til my wedding. Instead, fittingly, I'm going to the funeral parade.

Sometimes I hate myself. No matter how hard I try it's just not ever good enough.


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