today i'm thankful that i have friends i can cook! we had early thanksgiving dinner tonight. and it was so delicious and i am stuffed. i am glad i have these people in my life to feed me and make me laugh.
i feel like something is missing though. and its going to take awhile for me to shake that. holidays especially. you imagine how things will be and then when they arent... well. it's just something i'm going to have to deal with. at least this way i cant be let down i guess.
lovelove.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
thankful thursday
today i'm thankful for the children's miracle network.
if you're a local, you've been hearing the telethon on the radio. the children's hospital does so much to help their patients and families. the stories are heartbreaking and wonderful. one last night was so powerful that i immediately pulled my car over in the applebees parking lot and called in a donation. i know and care about many little children and it makes me feel better knowing that i've helped them (hypothetically) and other wonderful little kids like them. kids, old people, and puppies. those are my weaknesses. but when you consider its less than a dollar a day to help these people out, how can you say no?
so i only worked half a day today bc i have a wicked migraine. i still feel like crap. i want to feel good. i need to feel good.
i have another interview tomorrow. send good thoughts so that i can figure out what i need to be doing with my life. bc i flat out have no idea.
i'm going to go watch the last night of the WWII in HD. it's been a really good thing to watch and i recommend it to anyone.
much love to everyone
if you're a local, you've been hearing the telethon on the radio. the children's hospital does so much to help their patients and families. the stories are heartbreaking and wonderful. one last night was so powerful that i immediately pulled my car over in the applebees parking lot and called in a donation. i know and care about many little children and it makes me feel better knowing that i've helped them (hypothetically) and other wonderful little kids like them. kids, old people, and puppies. those are my weaknesses. but when you consider its less than a dollar a day to help these people out, how can you say no?
so i only worked half a day today bc i have a wicked migraine. i still feel like crap. i want to feel good. i need to feel good.
i have another interview tomorrow. send good thoughts so that i can figure out what i need to be doing with my life. bc i flat out have no idea.
i'm going to go watch the last night of the WWII in HD. it's been a really good thing to watch and i recommend it to anyone.
much love to everyone
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
thankful wednesday
today i am thankful for dave ryan. for he is, as we speak, bringing mylaptop back to life. it gave me the finger and there was no rescuing it. it had to be wiped clean. this made me sad at first, there were things i thought i wanted to keep on there that i would miss. but mostly, it was just conversations with someone that is no longer in my life. and frankly, its probably a good thing to wipe these last 4 months out of my life. start over.
but yes. it has been a good evening hanging out at teh offices of teh DA. i've always wondered what it feels like to be a reporter. mostly, you'd be having dave yell at you and tell you you're fired. but i think that would be much more entertaining than my current job situation.
no, thats a lie. my current job situation just got even more entertainign today. for now we will say, i definitely have a job. i just have to pick between 2 places, and possibly a third. and i have to pick in the next week.
this is intimidating. but i feel better about things.
but back to dave, bc he's staring over my shoulder saying WHAT ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT ME (he says he wasnt shouting. but his accent makes it louder.) but seriously. dave is good people even if he is a foreigner. for realz.
but yes. it has been a good evening hanging out at teh offices of teh DA. i've always wondered what it feels like to be a reporter. mostly, you'd be having dave yell at you and tell you you're fired. but i think that would be much more entertaining than my current job situation.
no, thats a lie. my current job situation just got even more entertainign today. for now we will say, i definitely have a job. i just have to pick between 2 places, and possibly a third. and i have to pick in the next week.
this is intimidating. but i feel better about things.
but back to dave, bc he's staring over my shoulder saying WHAT ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT ME (he says he wasnt shouting. but his accent makes it louder.) but seriously. dave is good people even if he is a foreigner. for realz.
just a grumbly post
i've been working very hard to be cheery and thankful. and i think it has been good for me because its helping me through all this.
let me break it down to you. the person who i refer to in here often, who lied to me often, told me he loved me often, told me to try for him and not give up... well, that person has been married since july 20, 2007. and conveniently forgot to tell me. and says it is bc he loved me and wanted to be with me and hoped it would work itself out. only it didnt. and i'm the one left standing looking like a fool. married! for over two years. i know i'd said my life was a lie before, but now, i dont think there is even a word for it.
so yes. i'm working really hard to wrap my brain around all this. trying not to get upset or sink into a pit of hatred. bc that serves no purpose to me.
a job i applied for in virginia wants to do an interview with me now after having received an editing test. is this the step i need to take in my life? i've so long expected one thing that now i have no idea what to do. i thought if i tried hard enough that things would work out as i assumed they should. now all i'm left with is egg on my face. so we'll see.
while this isnt my thankful post, that will come later, i am thankful that i have this place to vent, and that i have people who care about me. its going to be a very long trip back to normal. or as close to normal as i've ever been. and i'm not going to lie, it scares me. so i could really use some of your good thoughts.
let me break it down to you. the person who i refer to in here often, who lied to me often, told me he loved me often, told me to try for him and not give up... well, that person has been married since july 20, 2007. and conveniently forgot to tell me. and says it is bc he loved me and wanted to be with me and hoped it would work itself out. only it didnt. and i'm the one left standing looking like a fool. married! for over two years. i know i'd said my life was a lie before, but now, i dont think there is even a word for it.
so yes. i'm working really hard to wrap my brain around all this. trying not to get upset or sink into a pit of hatred. bc that serves no purpose to me.
a job i applied for in virginia wants to do an interview with me now after having received an editing test. is this the step i need to take in my life? i've so long expected one thing that now i have no idea what to do. i thought if i tried hard enough that things would work out as i assumed they should. now all i'm left with is egg on my face. so we'll see.
while this isnt my thankful post, that will come later, i am thankful that i have this place to vent, and that i have people who care about me. its going to be a very long trip back to normal. or as close to normal as i've ever been. and i'm not going to lie, it scares me. so i could really use some of your good thoughts.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
thankful tuesday
today i'm thankful that i've been able to become a little more self reliant these past few years. i used to be afraid of just about everything. but living alone changes things. you either suck it up and deal with it or you dont live alone.
at first i hated living alone because it was so quiet and i had no one to talk to. but now i appreciate the quiet time with myself, being about to sit and crochet or read in the tub until my fingers are pruney and just be at peace. i think after having to rely on yourself for awhile, you appreciate more when you have others around. but for now i have to pay all my own bills, i have to take the dog out, i have to do everything that an adult should do. and this seems like such a little and insignificant thing. but it really isnt. i just put up all my christmas lights by myself, which is no easy task. in the beginning i grumbled to myself that it would be damn nice if i had someone there to help me untangle the garland and lights. but the more i worked the more i enjoyed it and when i finished i was very proud of myself. i'll try to get someone to take a photo so you all can see it. its not the best or prettiest job, but its all done by me and its fitting. complete with bloodshed (i want to know HOW someone can cut themselves on cardboard packaging. bc i surely did.)
i think i needed these couple of years of living alone to get me ready for the potential to move. i've been told i still have a position at my current location, which is handy. but i do think i will continue to look. i applied to a couple positions with the american cancer society, which the more i think about it, something like that would be a dream job. i'd take a major salary cut, but then i'd actually get to help other people, and when you ahve the weltschmertz as badly as i do, being able to help another person... well its like breathing again.
the nursing home blanket i'm working on is about this big (imagine me holding my hands out and trying to guestimate about 2 ft by 2ftish). it's coming along quickly at the price of my finger prints, which are quickly rubbing off again in the passing yarn. oh well.
i really have enjoyed the few minutes in the evenings i've been taking to write these thankful posts. when every thing else gets all topsy turvy in my life, this is something that helps ground me again. for at least a minute.
also be on the lookout. i'm getting ready to make my family christmas calendar again, which means more terrifying photos of me when i was a babyyyyy. there is one i want mom to find of me in my easter dress and hat with our cat Fred. basically, picture ridiculous hat, ridiculous coke bottle glasses, a crooked smile, and a very disgruntled feline. welcome to my childhood.
at first i hated living alone because it was so quiet and i had no one to talk to. but now i appreciate the quiet time with myself, being about to sit and crochet or read in the tub until my fingers are pruney and just be at peace. i think after having to rely on yourself for awhile, you appreciate more when you have others around. but for now i have to pay all my own bills, i have to take the dog out, i have to do everything that an adult should do. and this seems like such a little and insignificant thing. but it really isnt. i just put up all my christmas lights by myself, which is no easy task. in the beginning i grumbled to myself that it would be damn nice if i had someone there to help me untangle the garland and lights. but the more i worked the more i enjoyed it and when i finished i was very proud of myself. i'll try to get someone to take a photo so you all can see it. its not the best or prettiest job, but its all done by me and its fitting. complete with bloodshed (i want to know HOW someone can cut themselves on cardboard packaging. bc i surely did.)
i think i needed these couple of years of living alone to get me ready for the potential to move. i've been told i still have a position at my current location, which is handy. but i do think i will continue to look. i applied to a couple positions with the american cancer society, which the more i think about it, something like that would be a dream job. i'd take a major salary cut, but then i'd actually get to help other people, and when you ahve the weltschmertz as badly as i do, being able to help another person... well its like breathing again.
the nursing home blanket i'm working on is about this big (imagine me holding my hands out and trying to guestimate about 2 ft by 2ftish). it's coming along quickly at the price of my finger prints, which are quickly rubbing off again in the passing yarn. oh well.
i really have enjoyed the few minutes in the evenings i've been taking to write these thankful posts. when every thing else gets all topsy turvy in my life, this is something that helps ground me again. for at least a minute.
also be on the lookout. i'm getting ready to make my family christmas calendar again, which means more terrifying photos of me when i was a babyyyyy. there is one i want mom to find of me in my easter dress and hat with our cat Fred. basically, picture ridiculous hat, ridiculous coke bottle glasses, a crooked smile, and a very disgruntled feline. welcome to my childhood.
Monday, November 16, 2009
thankful monday
several topics to tie together today, but they all boil down to the fact that i'm glad my mom raised me to know that its ok to be a nerd.
on the history channel this week there is a WWII special, with previously unseen footage thats been fixed to be in color (which i'm also thankful that we have documentation of these events and the means to preserve them). i've only watched the first night but holy cow its awesome. and as i was telling someone how amazingly cool it was, in a morbid way, they were surprised that i was a 'history channel nerd.'
now. i've always been a nerd. part of me at times wished mom had put me in pagents and garbage like that for the sole purpose of maybe not having such a debilitating fear of people. but that said, i'm glad they stuck books in my hands instead of makeup. i'm glad they gave me army men with my barbies and let me play battle tactic and doll school. i'm glad they let my older cousins let me play with firecrackers and blow up said army men and barbies. i'm glad when i wanted a wood burning kit and burnt my hand they didnt let me try ridiculous things after that. i'm glad they let me do ridiculous science experiments instead of sitting me infront of a tv (one time i made a 'potion' at my grandmothers house that i poured in the grass and it hasnt grown right there since. woops.) i'm glad they woke me up to go watch meteor showers (tonight, btw. its kinda cloudy otu right now which angers me). i'm glad they let me pick all the Queen Anne's Lace out of the field and dye it blue and red with food coloring. and i'm so glad they fed me history. i can remember watching Gettysburg in 3rd grade thinking it was the most amazing thing i'd ever seen and demanded we go visit there immediately. we camped out for a week and it is one of my favorite memories. or that they'd take me to the USS NC when we'd go to the beach and let me play all over the ship and the museum. its still one of the neatest things i love showing to people, though i've yet to meet anyone who thinks its as awesome as i do. or the fact that we research our ancestors so i know exactly what i come from (a long line of stubborn, sarcastic assholes. who would have thought?) i'm glad i appreciate reading as a sense of entertainment and learning. i'm glad i appreciate the smell of old books.
sometimes i've been overwhelmed by all this and have felt like i wasnt measuring up to the standards expected of me. but i think had i not been given the opportunities i was, and also learned to argue effectively, then i wouldnt be who i am today. and i still doubt myself all the time, but i know theres no one just like me out there and that its ok if i'm not the best at everything. bc i'm the best me i can be. and thats hard to maintain a positive attitude about some times, but i'm working on it.
i guess i'm just saying i'm thankful for the opportunities i've had and that i've never been afraid to let my freak flag fly.
now if you excuse me i'm going to go purchase some christmas lights and get home in time to watch part two of WWII in HD.
lovelove to all.
on the history channel this week there is a WWII special, with previously unseen footage thats been fixed to be in color (which i'm also thankful that we have documentation of these events and the means to preserve them). i've only watched the first night but holy cow its awesome. and as i was telling someone how amazingly cool it was, in a morbid way, they were surprised that i was a 'history channel nerd.'
now. i've always been a nerd. part of me at times wished mom had put me in pagents and garbage like that for the sole purpose of maybe not having such a debilitating fear of people. but that said, i'm glad they stuck books in my hands instead of makeup. i'm glad they gave me army men with my barbies and let me play battle tactic and doll school. i'm glad they let my older cousins let me play with firecrackers and blow up said army men and barbies. i'm glad when i wanted a wood burning kit and burnt my hand they didnt let me try ridiculous things after that. i'm glad they let me do ridiculous science experiments instead of sitting me infront of a tv (one time i made a 'potion' at my grandmothers house that i poured in the grass and it hasnt grown right there since. woops.) i'm glad they woke me up to go watch meteor showers (tonight, btw. its kinda cloudy otu right now which angers me). i'm glad they let me pick all the Queen Anne's Lace out of the field and dye it blue and red with food coloring. and i'm so glad they fed me history. i can remember watching Gettysburg in 3rd grade thinking it was the most amazing thing i'd ever seen and demanded we go visit there immediately. we camped out for a week and it is one of my favorite memories. or that they'd take me to the USS NC when we'd go to the beach and let me play all over the ship and the museum. its still one of the neatest things i love showing to people, though i've yet to meet anyone who thinks its as awesome as i do. or the fact that we research our ancestors so i know exactly what i come from (a long line of stubborn, sarcastic assholes. who would have thought?) i'm glad i appreciate reading as a sense of entertainment and learning. i'm glad i appreciate the smell of old books.
sometimes i've been overwhelmed by all this and have felt like i wasnt measuring up to the standards expected of me. but i think had i not been given the opportunities i was, and also learned to argue effectively, then i wouldnt be who i am today. and i still doubt myself all the time, but i know theres no one just like me out there and that its ok if i'm not the best at everything. bc i'm the best me i can be. and thats hard to maintain a positive attitude about some times, but i'm working on it.
i guess i'm just saying i'm thankful for the opportunities i've had and that i've never been afraid to let my freak flag fly.
now if you excuse me i'm going to go purchase some christmas lights and get home in time to watch part two of WWII in HD.
lovelove to all.
check off one of my goals
as of 3 minutes ago, i completed one of my 101 goals- paying off my credit cards. i wanted to do this by july, and that didnt happen thanks to a dead air conditioner and dr appts, but i finally, after some creative money saving, paid off everything. i'm officially broke. but i'm completely ok with that bc at least i paid off the credit that was beginning to overwhelm me. being able to buy things on credit is an evil and delicious experience. one that i've significantly cut back on, which is a very good thing. i'm embarrassed at the dollar amounts i just signed over to the respective card companies.
i'm also glad that i'm nearly done with my christmas shopping. i only have 3 gifts left to purchase. they will not be going on a credit card. i even already have all the wrapping paper and bows, and i think i will do that tonight. yes. i realize that makes me super lame that its barely mid november and i'm already doing this, but its one of the few things that makes me feel good about the holidays. if its nice next weekend i'm going to try to put up lights.
the last 2 mondays have been hard on me. i'm hoping this one will be ok.
dont forget tonight is the meteor shower AND (and i'll write more on this later) day two of WWII in HD on teh history channel. last nights part one was amazing. it comes on at 9 and you should watch it.
i'm also glad that i'm nearly done with my christmas shopping. i only have 3 gifts left to purchase. they will not be going on a credit card. i even already have all the wrapping paper and bows, and i think i will do that tonight. yes. i realize that makes me super lame that its barely mid november and i'm already doing this, but its one of the few things that makes me feel good about the holidays. if its nice next weekend i'm going to try to put up lights.
the last 2 mondays have been hard on me. i'm hoping this one will be ok.
dont forget tonight is the meteor shower AND (and i'll write more on this later) day two of WWII in HD on teh history channel. last nights part one was amazing. it comes on at 9 and you should watch it.
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