1. i hate making decisions. especially ones i dont want to make. especially ones i want to be told are wrong, proven i'm wrong. but, it looks like i was right. you cant always get what you want.. but it seems i'll always get let down.
2. i went to the eye doctor today. turns out my left eye got 100% better and my right eye got eighty four thousand times worse. my left was my worse growing up and the right had to make up for it. now it got screwed over. damn my eyes.
3. who has 2 thumbs and passed out in an eat'n'park parking lot? bob kelso, how you doing. at least i made it to the parking lot and not on patteson drive.
4. 8 more workdays until i get to escape
5. i really really want to not be sad on my birthday.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
in which i do not understand
let me paint you a picture. imagine me in my pajamas. the wrinkliest tshirt i own. my hair a mess. no makeup in sight. the explain to me why i got hit on at taco bell. not that the border is a classy establishment, but it happened not once but twice. and i got MAD. not bc i got cat-called out the window by the drive-thru guy. but bc when i go through the trouble of fixing my hair and putting on makeup and MATCHING MY CLOTHES i might as well be part of the scenery.
from now on, i'm dressing homeless.
from now on, i'm dressing homeless.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
rambling brain mush
sorry i havent posted much, kids. strange things have been afoot at the circle k. and i've got enough jumbling around in the head, most of it unimportant, that i finally decided to take it out on the few of you that read this garbage.
1. i suppose i should get it out first. for those of you who know leah, she needs your thoughts, as does her new husband lukas. lukas was just diagnosed with classic hodgkins lymphoma yesterday. he's 30, i think. from what they understand thus far, there are good chances with chemo and radiation that he will be fine. it's several places in his body though. i dont know more details than this at the time. this terrifies me, just as it does when anyone my age, no, anyone at all has health scares like this. i dont understand why this happened to them now, when they've only been married, what, 4 months? i mean, yes, i am sure it helps him to have her there to support him. it just all makes me angry. it makes me angry bc it reminds me of what a thin line i walk.
2. i have no idea why, but i was sitting at work the other day and remembered what i wore to my first day of high school. why is this important? it's not. but it was one of those random moments where i could picture it in my head. getting off the school bus and walking into school. i had my army green jansport backpack, my grey o'neil tshirt with the awesome dragon on the back that i later gave to olivia bc she borrowed it all the time, these awesome blue and green checked shorts that i couldnt fit one leg in anymore but would be too embarrassed to wear them bc they were THAT SHORT, and my white nikes with the navy and baby blue trim with matching socks. why in the hell did this come to mind.
3. inglorious basterds is amazing. but i think you have to be a tarentino fan to appreciate it. my moving going companion thought it was terrible. but then, they never agree with me on a good movie. all i have to say is go see it. and the scene with the red dress is graphically fantastic.
4. LJ came up today from fairmont to go out to dinner. he knows he can always sucker a free meal out of me. but i gladly do it bc he cracks me up. i'm glad of the relationship i have with some of my family members. he's currently asleep on my couch with the dog, and i cant tell which is snoring louder. we had a lot of fun at dinner, though we sat too close to the back where the waitstaff hang out and got to hear in detail how some of the waiters feel about some chick at table six in the fuck-me heels.
5. here is where i tell you something embarrassing and dumb. you know how some people have weird obsessive compulsive tendencies. well i do too. when i get upset there is a spot on my head that i rub. i've done it for as long as i remember, same spot. the moral of the story is that i've been so stressed/upset lately, i've rubbed the spot bald. its not big by any means, and you cant even see it, but seriously, if you see me touch my head make me stop. i know you officially think i'm batshit crazy, and i probably am. i'd rather have ulcers again. i dont know why i told you people this.
6. work is work, not good not bad. theres so much outside drama that comes into work though, and it poisons the whole environment. it's a hive of scandalous behavior. i have to say, i'm looking more forward to vacation every day. please send good thoughts in the coastal direction though, bc i'm now officially worried we're going to get down there and there will be a hurricane.
7. there was a robbery in the trailerhood recently, and this is the first time i've ever felt unsafe to live here. and i hate that. i have the dog, and she can sound mean when she needs to, but when it came down to it, she'd be happy to see anyone. i'm starting to sleep better, but i dont feel 100% safe. but i guess no one ever is.
8. The Santa Clause is on. this is bc LJ is asleep on the remote.
9. so lets face it. i'm afraid to make major life choices. i'm afraid of hurting people, afraid of letting people down, mostly afraid of putting all my eggs in one basket when the baskets been known to have holes. the easy way out is not always the easy way out. To quote Rob from High Fidelity, "I've been listening to my gut since i was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."
10. i just sat here for 20 minutes trying to think of a tenth thing to say so that i wouldnt end on an odd number.
1. i suppose i should get it out first. for those of you who know leah, she needs your thoughts, as does her new husband lukas. lukas was just diagnosed with classic hodgkins lymphoma yesterday. he's 30, i think. from what they understand thus far, there are good chances with chemo and radiation that he will be fine. it's several places in his body though. i dont know more details than this at the time. this terrifies me, just as it does when anyone my age, no, anyone at all has health scares like this. i dont understand why this happened to them now, when they've only been married, what, 4 months? i mean, yes, i am sure it helps him to have her there to support him. it just all makes me angry. it makes me angry bc it reminds me of what a thin line i walk.
2. i have no idea why, but i was sitting at work the other day and remembered what i wore to my first day of high school. why is this important? it's not. but it was one of those random moments where i could picture it in my head. getting off the school bus and walking into school. i had my army green jansport backpack, my grey o'neil tshirt with the awesome dragon on the back that i later gave to olivia bc she borrowed it all the time, these awesome blue and green checked shorts that i couldnt fit one leg in anymore but would be too embarrassed to wear them bc they were THAT SHORT, and my white nikes with the navy and baby blue trim with matching socks. why in the hell did this come to mind.
3. inglorious basterds is amazing. but i think you have to be a tarentino fan to appreciate it. my moving going companion thought it was terrible. but then, they never agree with me on a good movie. all i have to say is go see it. and the scene with the red dress is graphically fantastic.
4. LJ came up today from fairmont to go out to dinner. he knows he can always sucker a free meal out of me. but i gladly do it bc he cracks me up. i'm glad of the relationship i have with some of my family members. he's currently asleep on my couch with the dog, and i cant tell which is snoring louder. we had a lot of fun at dinner, though we sat too close to the back where the waitstaff hang out and got to hear in detail how some of the waiters feel about some chick at table six in the fuck-me heels.
5. here is where i tell you something embarrassing and dumb. you know how some people have weird obsessive compulsive tendencies. well i do too. when i get upset there is a spot on my head that i rub. i've done it for as long as i remember, same spot. the moral of the story is that i've been so stressed/upset lately, i've rubbed the spot bald. its not big by any means, and you cant even see it, but seriously, if you see me touch my head make me stop. i know you officially think i'm batshit crazy, and i probably am. i'd rather have ulcers again. i dont know why i told you people this.
6. work is work, not good not bad. theres so much outside drama that comes into work though, and it poisons the whole environment. it's a hive of scandalous behavior. i have to say, i'm looking more forward to vacation every day. please send good thoughts in the coastal direction though, bc i'm now officially worried we're going to get down there and there will be a hurricane.
7. there was a robbery in the trailerhood recently, and this is the first time i've ever felt unsafe to live here. and i hate that. i have the dog, and she can sound mean when she needs to, but when it came down to it, she'd be happy to see anyone. i'm starting to sleep better, but i dont feel 100% safe. but i guess no one ever is.
8. The Santa Clause is on. this is bc LJ is asleep on the remote.
9. so lets face it. i'm afraid to make major life choices. i'm afraid of hurting people, afraid of letting people down, mostly afraid of putting all my eggs in one basket when the baskets been known to have holes. the easy way out is not always the easy way out. To quote Rob from High Fidelity, "I've been listening to my gut since i was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."
10. i just sat here for 20 minutes trying to think of a tenth thing to say so that i wouldnt end on an odd number.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
boredom and books
it's been a lazy day, too much of a thinking day really. so to put my mind on other things, i picked out books for my vacation. even if i dont like a book, books cant let me down. anyway. back to the books before i go on a tangent about ppl making the obviously wrong choices and me being hurt...
the books i ordered are (and cheap, thanks to amazon marketplace. i got all of them plus shipping for 30 bucks):
"Women in Evidence" -Sebastien Japrisot
"The Call of the Wild" -Jack London
"The Sunne In Splendour: A Novel of Richard III" -Sharon Kay Penman
"The Other Queen: A Novel" -Philippa Gregory
"Gone with the Wind" -Margaret Mitchell
"Martha Washington: An American Life" -Patricia Brady
"Innocent Traitor: A Novel of Lady Jane Grey" -Alison Weir
and yes. i do realize exactly how nerdy that book list is. but. might as well embrace what i am. which leads me to my next topic. a list of things that i've yet to say about myself. why a list? bc i'm bored and you're still reading.
1. i hate the color purple. i reestablished this when i was shopping. purple is the 'hot color' this season. it makes me angry. if you look in my closet i have one purple tanktop. my mother finds this hilarious because apparently around age 3-4 i would ONLY wear purple. frilly ruffly purple with frilly socks and patent leather shoes and my big coke bottle sunglasses. i think i would like to meet my 3 year old self.
2. even though i rarely wear makeup anymore unless its a special occasion or i have woken up extra early for work, i dont feel like i'm put together and look nice without mascara and eye liner. if you look in my bathroom right now you'd probably find at least 8 different mascaras and an equal number of different color eyeliners. i have absolutely no idea why this is.
3. i will fight for things i believe in even when i know i'm going to lose. i'll hold on to the hope that things will change right up to the last second even though i should know better. and ususally, i should always know better.
4. i would wear cardigan sweaters every day if i could. i have no idea why this is, bc they make me look like an old lady.
5. i love s'mores made the right way which is over a campfire and you take the time to get them golden all over. if you burn them its just not the same. although, you have to eat just one burnt one to really eat s'mores.
6. i'm afraid the things i want in life are always going to be out of reach.
7. i'm afraid of the dark. this is very embarrassing to me. i have a big thing about needing to feel safe and that is a big problem in the dark. i like storms until they knock out my power. and then i freak out. i'm such a weener.
there are too many movies on tv that i dont want to watch.
the books i ordered are (and cheap, thanks to amazon marketplace. i got all of them plus shipping for 30 bucks):
"Women in Evidence" -Sebastien Japrisot
"The Call of the Wild" -Jack London
"The Sunne In Splendour: A Novel of Richard III" -Sharon Kay Penman
"The Other Queen: A Novel" -Philippa Gregory
"Gone with the Wind" -Margaret Mitchell
"Martha Washington: An American Life" -Patricia Brady
"Innocent Traitor: A Novel of Lady Jane Grey" -Alison Weir
and yes. i do realize exactly how nerdy that book list is. but. might as well embrace what i am. which leads me to my next topic. a list of things that i've yet to say about myself. why a list? bc i'm bored and you're still reading.
1. i hate the color purple. i reestablished this when i was shopping. purple is the 'hot color' this season. it makes me angry. if you look in my closet i have one purple tanktop. my mother finds this hilarious because apparently around age 3-4 i would ONLY wear purple. frilly ruffly purple with frilly socks and patent leather shoes and my big coke bottle sunglasses. i think i would like to meet my 3 year old self.
2. even though i rarely wear makeup anymore unless its a special occasion or i have woken up extra early for work, i dont feel like i'm put together and look nice without mascara and eye liner. if you look in my bathroom right now you'd probably find at least 8 different mascaras and an equal number of different color eyeliners. i have absolutely no idea why this is.
3. i will fight for things i believe in even when i know i'm going to lose. i'll hold on to the hope that things will change right up to the last second even though i should know better. and ususally, i should always know better.
4. i would wear cardigan sweaters every day if i could. i have no idea why this is, bc they make me look like an old lady.
5. i love s'mores made the right way which is over a campfire and you take the time to get them golden all over. if you burn them its just not the same. although, you have to eat just one burnt one to really eat s'mores.
6. i'm afraid the things i want in life are always going to be out of reach.
7. i'm afraid of the dark. this is very embarrassing to me. i have a big thing about needing to feel safe and that is a big problem in the dark. i like storms until they knock out my power. and then i freak out. i'm such a weener.
there are too many movies on tv that i dont want to watch.
That Was When I Ruled the World
I've probably said this before, but i have a not-so-secret secret embarrassing love for Coldplay. It is tragically uncool to like Coldplay, but i've never really been capable at pulling off 'hip.' But I have this theory, that there is a Coldplay song, much like there is a Beatles or Ben Folds (Five) song, that can define any moment in you're life. and sometimes you'll go on to remember it for that reason in that moment in time.
anyway. lately i've had 2 songs stuck in my brain rotation. Violet Hill when I'm feeling down, and Viva la Via when I'm feeling up. Viva la Vida obviously gets a much more.... energetic (spastic) type of dancing out of me. Picture if you will me jumping around on my bed in my underwear screaming the lyrics along with chris martin, only to forget i have a ceiling fan and bashing my scub on one of the blades. yes. that was my morning about half an hour ago. if i didnt tell you embarrassing things, what would you do for entertainment all day.
anyway.
i am sick of this damn rain. sure we needed it. blah blah blah. it causes me to feel grey all over.
the dog is staring at me. i should go be productive. and by productive i mean put her outside and then go lay on the couch.
anyway. lately i've had 2 songs stuck in my brain rotation. Violet Hill when I'm feeling down, and Viva la Via when I'm feeling up. Viva la Vida obviously gets a much more.... energetic (spastic) type of dancing out of me. Picture if you will me jumping around on my bed in my underwear screaming the lyrics along with chris martin, only to forget i have a ceiling fan and bashing my scub on one of the blades. yes. that was my morning about half an hour ago. if i didnt tell you embarrassing things, what would you do for entertainment all day.
anyway.
i am sick of this damn rain. sure we needed it. blah blah blah. it causes me to feel grey all over.
the dog is staring at me. i should go be productive. and by productive i mean put her outside and then go lay on the couch.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
groundhog day.
so i was thinking over the last year, about how things have changed and all, but then suddenly, they are right back to square one. it's like i'm in Groundhog Day, only i'm not as funny as bill murray. and i really thought i wouldnt be back here again. and i do not like it. i want the last couple weeks to maybe just dissappear. would that be ok?
all the college kids are moving back and i'm sad that i'm not in class. i've said this before. i dont really know what the upcoming year of work is going to bring. i dont know what the upcoming year of life is going to bring. i'd know what i'd like to happen, but. we cant always get what we want. and i could write a book on that.
and i've been looking at my goal list. i've really been slacking on that one. i'll take my trip with mom next month, so that will be good. and this months veggie was okra. it has no taste. but maybe that's bc it was friend. (still counts!!) and i watched Platoon and The Apartment. i need to work on the books more.
so things i'd like to do soon. tattoo. i know. i've said that for how many years now? but i feel like it might almost be the right time. i'll see how these next few weeks play out.
does anyone have any good book recommendations? i need stuff to take to read on vacation.
love love.
all the college kids are moving back and i'm sad that i'm not in class. i've said this before. i dont really know what the upcoming year of work is going to bring. i dont know what the upcoming year of life is going to bring. i'd know what i'd like to happen, but. we cant always get what we want. and i could write a book on that.
and i've been looking at my goal list. i've really been slacking on that one. i'll take my trip with mom next month, so that will be good. and this months veggie was okra. it has no taste. but maybe that's bc it was friend. (still counts!!) and i watched Platoon and The Apartment. i need to work on the books more.
so things i'd like to do soon. tattoo. i know. i've said that for how many years now? but i feel like it might almost be the right time. i'll see how these next few weeks play out.
does anyone have any good book recommendations? i need stuff to take to read on vacation.
love love.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
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