it's been such a long day. I'm just so tired of caring. Tired of trying. I thought if I kept persisting, kept showing I cared, that itd mean something. But. Too little too late. I got signed up at health works and am genuinely excited. I'm going to Zumba tomorrow and maybe to the pool later in the week. It doesn't seem as intimidating as it used to, but maybe that's bc I have half a clue of what I'm doing. I'm not happy. I can fully admit that. But I gotta believe it's for a reason. Maybe I didn't show zach how much I cared when I should have. I won't make that mistake again. I just regret how things happened with him. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

so today i painted a picture. bc i had this ugly big lots painting that i've had sitting behind my couch since i moved in. i've been wanting to do something with it for awhile but i don't think i'm very good at painting. so i picked two colors and decided to just do something i know and love. this is what it ended up like:i'm pretty proud of it, aside from the paint i got on the frame that i need to figure out how to remove. but drawing the state was hard as hell. painting it with just some cheap foam brushes was even harder. but dammit, it came out pretty ok if i say so myself.

i've also been watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother lately. on the surface it's a stupid bromance superficial hot people show. but if you take the time to really watch it, it means well. i feel like sometimes i'm the female version of Ted. All through the show while he's tellin the story of how he met his wife, he goes through all these really hard life lessons. he's engaged once to someone who leaves him for someone else. he has all sorts of ups and downs as he tries to find his 'one.' and i know, i KNOW it's stupid to look for signs in a tv show that stars NPH, but some of the quotes really got to me today. here are two that i really like and i'm really hoping are true.

Narrator: Kids, I've been telling you the story of how I met your mother, and while there's many things to learn from this story, this may be the biggest. The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do, they'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life, you have to take action, and you will. But never forget that on any day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. You see, the universe has a plan kids, and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place at the right time.

Ted:Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have—I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen and waiting for it to happen and I guess I'm just, I'm tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella: You know I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.'
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's just a joke. I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.


i have to believe that there is a plan for me, that all of this is happening for a reason. it's too scary to think otherwise.

today i've had a pretty ok day. no i didnt leave the house or get out of my pajamas. and yeah i've been upset all day. but i know i'm going to have good and bad days. days where i think this is the right thing and days where i think it's the biggest, worst mistake ever. and maybe both of those are correct, i dont know. but i have to believe that each day is leading me somewhere i'm supposed to be. and i just have to really work on being patient for whatever is supposed to happen next.

it's just so very very hard.

Clearly something is wrong with me as I woke up early and cleaned the house. I dusted. I scrubbed the bathroom. I even cleaned the fridge. I've been doing crazy things like this a lot lately. Maybe it's being healthy in winter for once? Even all my clothes are put away. Maybe I just realize being a slob isnt conducive to anything good. Maybe it's too little too late but I do feel better when everything is neat. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Why is it that I get a slew of drunk phone call and texts in the middle of the night from someone who I consider a friend at most telling me that I'm wonderful and I make him feel alive and that he has lied to me for years abt his feelings bc he actually loves me...

...when the person I love most, who I think loves me still but even that I don't even really know anymore, doesn't ever want to speak to me again in his life bc he doesn't want us and it's too stressful.

I do not understand life. I genuinely do not. It makes my head spin and hurt for everyone in this world who loves someone who won't/can't/don't love them back.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

also, this song.

well today i managed to break my apartment key off in my door, get lost on the way home from picking up my cousin at the airport, and get a collections notice about an apartment that i dont even live in.

all were straightened out in short order, but i feel like things are just snowballing. i did only cry once today, and that was this morning, so i feel like i am doing mediocrely ok.

tomorrow is the auction at the gym where we get to bid on the trainers and we get to decide what work-out they have to do. all the money goes to the children's hospital. so i don't mind throwing some money at this, especially since i can make them do the slide board (that thing i broke my ass on).

i mailed out a package today, that was really hard to do but needed to be done. something of pretty great sentiment was in there, but i didnt feel right keeping it anymore. hopefully it will go to someone who loves it just as much as i did someday. it breaks my heart, but i guess it had to happen.

anyway. i'm going to go hang out with my baby cousin and hear him talk about the wonders of california. i'm really glad to have him around this evening.

love to all of you out there in blog reader land.

"Was there one way? No, not as far as I could tell - other than to feel loved, to love back, and to do the things that make you feel as if your life has meaning and value, which can be as simple as making sure you spend time helping make life a little better for other people." -Dick Van Dyke, "My Lucky Life In And Out Of Show Business"