if I thought it would help things I would drive to Lexington right now. But bc I'm failing miserably at putting words together, I think it might not help. :(


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i know that as upset and a mess that i am, that i have good people in my life helping me out every step.

zach decided, if you haven't figured out, that trying to work us out isn't something he wants to do. he still loves me and all, but wants a fresh start on life.

i dont blame him for wanting a fresh start of things. he's had a pretty terrible time, some pretty rough things to go through, for the last year or so now.

but i grew up believing that as long as you had love, you had the basic foundation for something wonderful. and i tried to convince him we could work this out. i know not all of you agree with me, but i honestly dont care. i'm the one in the situation and know that there would be no more what ifs, no more mistrusting.

but. in this case, it doesn't matter what i think. and bc i'm stubborn and want to convince him it's possible, he now never wants to talk to me again. i dont necessarily blame him, but then, i really want him to see that even the smallest chance is worth taking. he just didnt agree.

so i've been feeling sorry for myself and i know that's stupid when there are people out there starving to death and sleeping on the streets and all sorts of other terrible things.. and beleive me, that makes me feel worse for feeling how i do. but love is more important to me than anything. my job, my home, etc. so this really has been a blow.

my coworkers made me go out for part of the game to eat and watch it, and it was nice to be around people and try not to think. but mostly i worried and hoped that zach is ok. i know he was really upset earlier bc i wouldnt stop trying to talk to him about this. so i dont know if this makes me a nice person or a total loser. probably the second.

one of the managers at work asked me this afternoon if i'm still interested in the possibility of transferring to DC. i told her i might be if the job was something that sounded interesting. what i wanted to say was i had planned to move to lexington and start a family and a home, but that all went up in smoke. so, i guess if i go to DC i've got nothing more to lose. so i told her to keep me in mind.

i dont know what the point of this all is. i know i'm really working on being patient here. but it just kills me that i can see how wrong this whole situation is, and i can't do a damn thing about it.

i'm only crying bc of all the smoke from the bar hurt my eyes.

As if today wasn't bad enough, I have another motherfucking flat tire.

I give up. Fate you win. I don't know if it's possible to feel anymore like shit. Of course, I have to get a mole checked in a few weeks so lets just go ahead and prepare for the worst, ok?

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so. That's that then. Am I stupid because I thought in the end things really would work out? I guess I am.

I really really don't like this. But I don't really have any choice here.

I don't understand life.


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new years day. i woke up and i still really cant move my neck. so that sucks.

good things- helping brandon out of a bind, getting to spontaneously have lunch with bethany and corey on their way through home. taking a nap with the dog. these are good things.

bad things- getting the shit kicked out of me by love. i decided to be honest and say how i feel about everything. and it didnt matter. it really hurt. i dont know what to think really. i just want my feelings to matter. i want my words to mean something. do they?

blurgh. i have to think of the good things. if i cant figure out how to make my life better then maybe i can make someone else's better.

happy new year everyone. I rang it in by eating pizza, watching Harry potter and dog the bounty hunter, and somehow hurting my neck. I was laying on the couch and it popped and now I can't turn my head left or tilt it to either side.

I am thankful though that I got to spend a day with a dear friend and I heard from several important people in my life. Thank you for your kind words and well wishes.

I love you all so much.

As for me. I'm getting the heating pad and going to bed.


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I watch too many movies where there is a surprise happy ending. I keep waiting for my surprise. I thought it was going to happen last night.

Is it still bad I'm hoping for tonight?

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