just random things

i nearly wrecked my car today. well, not so much wrecked as nearly got t-boned. entirely my fault. it didnt happen though. which is good. i felt bad. i got very angry hand gestures, which i deserved.

the movie the Patriot makes me cry every time. gladiator is coming on next.

did you know that iphones have a lightsaber app that makes the humming and whirring sound just like a real lightsaber? the one person who i couldnt wait to tell is the one person who i now know why iphones have these things.

i really want to sleep tonight. this is not cutting it.

i went in to work today because i had some stuff to do. i needed to get out of the house. my office is absolutely terrifying when no one is there and i promptly left.

i started rereading the Secret Garden. i know its a kids book, but i like it. i think its good for anyone to read. i very much like Mary Lennox, a spoiled and unhappy girl who learns happiness in helping someone realize their strength. i think i aspire to be this fictional little girl.

there are so many things that i would like to say, but believe me, you dont want to hear them.

the drugs or me

so the sleeping meds aren't working, i took them... 2 hours ago. luckily, the other blog got the brunt of it.

dave ryan is the most brutally honest person i know.

post secret is good this week. one or two in particular.

i started the newest and last book in this series about scotland i've been reading. there are a lot of gaelic phrases i have learned from these books. thats all i can really say about that.

its pretty bad when a work of fiction can piss you off.

from now on, i'm going to demand the truth at all times from everyone, no matter how much it hurts. better to know from the beginning that live in a lie.

cranky pants

i think i've finally come out of my fog long enough to get to the mad. because for me to have blindly believed all that for so long, even though it wasnt going to happen, i had to have something to base it on. you cant hang yourself without rope, metaphorically speaking. and all those 'good things' you all didnt see, that was my rope. so this isnt all my fault. i wouldnt have kept coming back to the mess ha dthere not been something to come back to. hell, there technically was even A Way to it all, but that wasnt good enough (this stems back to the disappointment, which as we've made clear, really fucking hurts my feelings and pisses me off.)

there are a ton of questions that i never got the answers to. i didnt even get lies, i just got ignored. and i wish i had it in me to hate, bc that would just make it easier. i'm just very very let down. what it boils down to is you dont tell someone that you love them and want to marry them but cant bc it would be a disappointment to your family. flat out. thats whats going on here. its a disappointment to your friends and family and someone out there is only disappointed bc they might not get to wear a dress. yeah. thats love.

from now on, lets all not tell people things if you arent willing to act on it. whats that stupid saying, don't write checks your ass cant cash? well how bout dont get someones hopes up if you're just going to ditch them so you dont disappoint people. when it really wouldnt be a disappointment at all. grrr.

i will be taking ambien tonight, bc i'd really like more than 2 hours of sleep.

and to improve my mood (sarcasm) my order from victoria secret came in (coupon) so dear men of Washington, D.C. watch out. i'm hurt and pissed off and as of monday, on the prowl with some pretty lacy underwear.

good friends

so. i've not slept. its a crazy not good feeling. but the dwelling and the stewing, they seem to take sleep and kick it in the shins.

in talking to friends about The Situation during these stewing and dwelling times, most have said the same two things.

1. they did not realize the seriousness of The Situation. which i guess would really be the seriousness of which i believed was the situation and the seriousness of which i wanted and tried for the situation. as we have established already, the situation had never actually been that serious and i was just too stupid to see it. in fact more than one person has said that had they known the whole story they wouldnt have been as mean about it or to it or to anyone. they all only saw one side of the story and did not like that side. and i want to say, see! there were other sides! but then, if no one else but me saw it, that doesnt validate it. people see aliens all the tme, that doesnt mean we believe them. the fact that i'm the only one who ever saw it, or at least thought i did, just means that it was never real enough for others to see. which all just goes back to i cant believe i didnt see it in the first place. but it is nice to know that people would have been more supportive had they known how i felt. i'm sure they would still be angry and all, but, theres that.

2. that no one thinks i'm stupid. this one, i dont know yet that i agree with, because i feel like a moron. but tonya dragged me out of bed yesterday to go eat dinner with the constant mantra that i am not stupid. you cant help what you believe in. its stronger and more important than any amount of money or social status or family approval. and if i believed it, then i believed it. and now that i see how things really are, that doesnt make me stupid. supposedly. i still havent quite bought into this one bc if i werent stupid i would have picked up on the fact that all this would never happen a long time ago, one would think. i mean you all saw it. but then, where does that mesh with #1. i dont know. i've been whining and writing about The Situation for well over two years. the Situation never changed. at what point is what i believed in become invalid and stupidity take over? probably day 2.

at any rate, i'm going to go see a man about a phone today. i just didnt quite feel up to it last night. hopefully they will be nice to me today bc i am cranky and crampy. although the latter, i suppose i should be greatful for, bc THAT would just be comic irony that i just couldnt handle.

i promise the whining will end soon. for your sake. thanks for understanding and listening and being my friends anyway.

lovelove

fail.

i said i dont want to talk about it again. but i dwell. i am a dweller. i make a living of dwelling.

and in a moment of perfect irony, i got my amazon order today. some are christmas presents for some of you and one was a book i had ordered, and canceled, or so i thought anyway. and this book. sure its just paper and ink and glue. but this specific book. it is the culmination of exactly what i believed in and was willing to do for all of this mess, how blindly i believed. the things i was willing to do (and i'm sure youre thinking, wtf kind of book is she talking about, its really NOT that kind of book) were absolutely ridiculous. bc it wasnt the point of what i was willing to do, it was the point of what wasnt to be done on the other end. and that set it all in stone for me. that this newfound realization was correct. and holy shit does it hurt. to be told that to try would be a dsappointment to too many people.

now. we all know i have never been known to have much selfesteem. but i would like to think that i would not be a disappointment. i have morals, though skewed they are in this situation. i have an education. i have good family and friends, much better than i deserve frankly. i help people when and how i can. i care about babies and puppies and old people. and somehow that isnt enough. and thats really a blow i wasnt prepared to take today.

i suppose some part of me should be glad this happened. that i didnt drag it out any longer and make a more unnecessary ass of myself. it's just hard to realize that something that you put so much stock in was never there in the first place. that truth and lies are blurred til its all smoke and mirrors.

i'm glad its raining, bc thats the mood i am in.

realization

so today, i realized all along you all were right. my mom was right. and it just stopped everything in my world.

i dont think i had ever believed something so strongly, so blindly, before in my life. and all it took was one away message to open my eyes to nearly 3 years of lying to myself.

i feel like the fool that my mother called me.

i never want to speak of this again.

a fool

so i talked to mom this evening. you know this is serious if i tell mom what is going on in my life. i told her every last detail, and you know what she told me?

that i am a fool.


thats about as blunt as it gets, eh? a good dose of reality. that i should have known better.

i am a fool.