knowing your worth

i'll preface this with the fact that the other blog, the private one, got it a lot worse than you all do. although it also finally got written about my birthday.


at what point do you draw the line at loving someone enough to just give up? this is something that i have struggled with for years. i know it's my need to help everyone i meet, but in some cases, when is trying to help someone no longer worth the pain experienced by all involved?

i've found it to be impossible to convince someone of their worth. and i think this may be scarier and sadder than any addiction or drug habit or any bad thing i can think of. because feeling worthless removes yourself from the picture you have of the world. and once you lose yourself, it's very hard to come back.

whatever circumstances that form you form the good and bad that you carry. the good is so many times overlooked as something fleeting. people no longer expect to have the happy lifelong relationships with family and friends that our grandparents generation had. and i think its because we have become a very depressed people. we struggle to play the right sports, wear the right clothes, read the right books, go to the right schools, marry the right people, have the right jobs. i know many of these things i struggle with every day.

and i know it is so much easier to see the good in someone else than it is to see within ourselves. bc thats what we've been programmed to be. and after awhile we start to question whether we deserve those good things in our lives and then we start to not expect them at all. and then all we do is worry that our every move is letting people down and we build ourselves into a cage where we live and breathe unhappiness, but at that point its all that is known.

at what point do you give up trying to open that door to the cage for someone else? even if the outside isnt like some wonderful disney cartoon, it's going to be better than the cage. but at what point do you give up on someone because even if the doors are standing wide open, they wont come out? even if its bad, its what you've come to know. and the self doubt and self loathing and thinking you dont deserve good things become comfortable reactions to everyday life.

someone dear to me told me they couldnt live their own life bc they would be letting too many people down. that these people had invested too much money into seeing this path they thought must choose happen. from inside that cage, this makes sense. from the outside, it is sad and not at all true. from the outside one can see that choosing to be happy is worth far more to people than any amount of money, money that can be redeemed in other ways. at what point is anyone allowed to put a dollar figure on your happiness? i said this yesterday in a different context, but no amount of money can compare to being happy. and i fully believe that more than anything in this world. so how do you convince someone else that their happiness, that their worth, is far more than the cost of a plane ticket?

and at what point do you get worried enough to just give up? where do you draw the line because trying to show people their worth and that they deserve love is just causing them to remove further into depressed seclusion? when does helping become hurting.

these are things i wish i didnt have to think about and yet i wrestle with every day. so much more lately. its hard for me to accept that i cant help someone who means the world to me and that they dont think they deserve to even help themselves. it's so hard to step back and watch someone hurt themselves because they dont think they deserve anything.

and i know most of you are rolling your eyes and saying that i cant be talking about who you think i am, bc that just isnt possible. but theres a lot to people that we dont always see, or we dont always choose to see, or we arent allowed to see. and you probably think they dont deserve my worry in any way for all the hurt that has been caused. but if anyone, they deserve your good thoughts more than i do. and i dont question that one bit. the person you knew is only one side. and theres a whole other side that i love and worry about all the time.

i picked up two salvation army christmas stockings to fill today. i figure if i cant help those i love i can at least help those who need extra love this holiday season. a little boy and a little girl. hopefully i can bring a little happiness to their lives, and hopefully they will remember that they deserve to be happy.

everyone deserves happiness. and no one is going to be disappointed in you if you choose it. they will share in it and be happy for you.



lovelove.

fact

i have spent too much of the last decade of my life crying on the phone to joel lancaster.

Oy.

Can I just say that somewhere down deep inside, in a past life, I must have been a rockstar.

This has been quite possibly the worst week in the history of my life and yet I'm 82% certain i just rocked the hell out of a job interview. Fact- it is possible to kiss as with a smile on your face while you feel like you are dying inside.

The best part of this potential job is I could work from anywhere. Home. China. A cardboard box infront of starbucks as long as i had wifi.

I'm not getting my hopes up. As far as I know I probably still have a job here. But it was damn hard to lie and say that I'm having a great day to the CFO of a company. But, I've got to do this for me. This isn't something I can rely on anyone else for.

And now I am completely and entirely mentally exhausted and am probably going to go home and cry it out.

how many times? 1837?

how many times do you have to cut someone out of your life until they are gone completely? i feel like i do this on an hourly basis, and yet, there they still are. and its not because i want to. oh no. its definitely not because i want to. but its bc i have no other choice. its because of the 'greater good' (that, btw, is said in the most sarcastic of ways, bc i do not believe living your life for the greater good is giving up your own.)

and whats the price of sanity? I can't afford the costs of getting a new phone and number. but then i look at that dollar sign and wonder if feeling good about myself is worth that amount of money. and to that, the answer will always be yes.

i can't forgive people who let their family dictate their lives. yes, your family will influence who you are and will, hopefully, make you into a strong person capable of making your own decisions based on knowing what is best for yourself. instead i am surrounded by the fact that anything to do with me is entirely out of the question because of a list of qualities and characteristics i lack. and its not even that i lack them, its the fact that i do not even exist.

i will never be plain. i will never be boring. i cant even promise i will ever be a proper role model to another human being. i lose my temper faster than a match strike, but i am always the first to stand up for someone when i know without a doubt they are being wronged in the greatest of ways. but there comes a time and place where everyone must chose their own happiness. that is what being an adult is. being an adult is not foregoing your own dreams to appease others. especially when you only imagine and dont know from their own mouths what they are going to say.

i know i was put on this earth to help tke care of people. but sometimes, all the time, i have a terrible time accepting when people dont want to accept that help. i cant be the hand pulling everyone back from the edge when they are bound and determined to jump just so they do what they are expected, so they think, to do.

if anything i just add to my book of knowledge. i will never let another human being chose my life for me. i will only fight for someone, in this way, if they are willing to fight back for me. i will not rely on someone elses opinion to determine my happiness. happiness is what we make it, and you either work for it or you die. we cant change everything, we cant even change most things when it boils down to it. but we can love and we can know we tried. and we can be allowed to be angry when those things are what let us down.

i kind of feel like i am going to puke right now.

i read a study that our society has become an angry society. we dont think we deserve to be happy and our response toward anger has become a natural habit. we gravitate toward anger. we expect to be angry so we automatically are. i do not want to be this angry person. i have too many good people left in my life to be so angry all the time. i have too many opportunities ahead of me. and yet here i am furious because someone i care about thinks they are not worth anything. thinks they do not deserve to be happy. has been poisoned by people who should love and support them unconditionally into thinking they have zero options in life. i know we are supposed to show forgiveness to everyone, but this is something i dont know if i can forgive.

blue tennis shoes

the title has nothing to do with anything, really.

so. hows things? good i hope.

so i get to go to D.C. for work next week. isnt that exciting? i woke up knowing today was going to be a day full of exciting news. if only that was the only one!

so tell me, in a rhetorical fashion. does anyone besides me hate when people decide what you are going to say without even giving you an option to say it? or say anything for that matter? i know for me it tends to be the exact opposite of what is expected! but funnily enough, that doesnt matter. bc its already been excited what you -would- have -maybe- -possibly- but not at all had you been given the whole story- would have said this thing. needless to say, i'm a little unhappy there.

so instead of thinking, i decided to go shopping this evening. this is a terrible problem of mine. if i keep myself busy, then i wont think. only now i have new clothes and my brain is still cranking. at least i can wear them on my business trip. who knows, maybe i'll pick up a senator!

i also went to look at cell phones. do to work and extenuating circumstances that should have been taken care of long ago, i need a smart phone with a new number. i'm probably going on saturday to remedy this, but i want to get opinions of phone users. do i break down and get the iphone? what do we feel about the blackberry? what else out there is there?? options, kids. i need some new options in my life. i cant exactly afford it right now, but something tells me now is as good a time as any.

so what else. lots else. but we wont get into that here. actually, i've been thinking of closing this blog down and starting over fresh. this is not at all what i wanted this to be. this is just like the last one. i wanted this to be a positive piece of the blogosphere. build some good karma. figure out what i'm doing. i had positive things going on there for a bit, and i need to work that back. i've been following theLOVEolution on twitter and is one of those interesting and inspiring things. i recommend it and the website for positive thoughts throughout the day.

today i'm also thankful for my friends. not only do they put up with a lot of crap from me, but they still stand up for me afterwards. that is dedication i had overlooked and taken advantage of for far too long. i know people mean well and stick up with me when i cant stick up for myself.

i talked to my grandmother this evening for awhile. its nice to talk to her even when we dont really have anything to say. she's excited for my trip next week even if it is for work, and she's more than happy to take care of the evil poochie while i'm gone. sometimes i wish i could tell her everything. but i think i'm more afraid that in most cases, she'd agree with me that things are worth what i think they are. i dont know. i had strange strange dreams last night that i dont know what they mean.

i am tired of excuses. and i'm tired of not being included in the deciding of my own life. i'm going to go take a bath.

also

i would marry regina spektor for this alone.

good friends

i know i talk a lot about what good people i have in my life. and i genuinely do. and this weekend just reminded me of that. for rachael's birthday we had potluck and went out. and everyone, even new people we met, are all cool and can find similar things to discuss or whatever. i dont know, it was just a really good time.

also, if you ever need to win me over for anything, take me to Wow Factory and let me make jewelry. I created, what i hope anyway, with be a super awesome stained glass-type necklace. it should be done by tomorrow, so i'll get someone to take a photo of it so you can see.

joel just told me that for his birthday this year, the only gift he wants from me is to move and get out of this rut i'm living. sometimes i think he knows me better than i know myself. maybe st. jude can figure out this lost cause.

Mountain Stage last night was awesome. I've always loved regina spektor and she did not let down. but i now sit at the feet of the voice of Will Hoge and am thankful that he chose to be a musician. too many of his songs resonated way too deeply to the point that it took my breath away. this one in particular. the other groups were ok. yo la tengo scared me. other than that, it was a great evening.

but it was nice to see old friends and make new friends. some stay, some go. some i'll see tomorrow, some i might never see again. it's good while it lasts.

i'm going to see zombieland tomorrow. now that i am excited for.

i'm reading a good book. i have hello kitty on my keychain and dying roses on my tv. i have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to stop caring about.