Barely Aware

2012-02-14T21:25:00.001-05:00

I forgot we have a long weekend coming up. It's actually a really good thing bc I may be busy this weekend and it'll be nice to have a day to recover. Friday is my friend BJs birthday abd he and a bunch of friends are coming up and staying at the hotel Morgan and going out. If for no other reason it's nice to go out with a bunch of guy friends (hell I dated bj for abt a minute once upon a time even) bc they make you feel pretty and keep the creepers at bay. Completely superficial and Awful, but sometimes a girl just needs an ego boost.

And then Saturday I might have some other plans. I haven't decided what I'm going to do abt it really. On one hand it'd be another step toward moving on. On the other hand I'm still not convinced that I should. Which I know. I KNOW that's stupid of me. Hell Zach won't even talk to me so i shouldn't expect anything. So maybe I should make plans to move on. I don't see him trying to stop me or anything. So. We will see. It's still the beginning of the week. I should probably clean the apartment really well regardless.

In sad news my friend Bethany's parents dog isn't doing well at all. This is a really nice dog, having only met pinki one time, and I can't even imagine how they are feeling right now. So good thoughts to them.

I drove by the tattoo parlor this evening to just look, but they were packed. It seems a lot of ppl want inked for vday. So I chickened out once again and didn't go in. Someday. It will happen someday. A lot of things in my life are somedays. And I just gotta keep believing that they will be good.

It's not even 9:30 and I'm going to go to bed. Calypso is in a food coma at my feet from her hot dog. And part of mine that she very sneakily stole.

I may not be where I want to be right now. But I know things could be so so much worse. And I have to be thankful for that.

Much love to anyone who is reading this.

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2012-02-14T19:37:00.001-05:00

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2012-02-14T18:31:00.002-05:00

happy valentines day everyone in blog land.

i had a good day at work in pittsburgh today. my boss took some of us out to lunch, and it was just a generally nice time. i came home and went to the gym bc i knew i needed it. there werent many people there, but i didnt really expect there would be. and then i went and got myself a lovely valentines dinner of hot fries, milk, and a hotdog each for me and my date, calypso. kind of counteracts the gym, no? and then i came home and i cried. not bc i'm sad, bc i am sad and i wont lie about it, but because i have some of the most wonderful people in my life. i checked my mail and had some cards and cookies and chocolate. i cant even begin to express how thankful i am for my friends. even at my whiniest (the last year) so many people have taken time out of their own busy schedule to be there for me. it makes me feel very special. and its feelings like that that keep me going, trying to do good for others. i got myself a cake-pop for breakfast from starbucks (bc why the hell not?) and got amanda her fav drink and then gave the cashier lady the three gift cards i had floating around in my purse and asked her to use them on as many ppl in line as they could last. i hope maybe i brought a smile to someone's face this morning.

i'm not where i want to be in my life but i am so very thankful that i have people who stand by me along my way. i love you all so very very much. i hope you have had a good day and have told those important to you how much you love them.

2012-02-13T20:17:00.002-05:00

today was a bit better day. i just don't do well when i have to sit at home and think. and by think i mean stew.

so being at work and busy was good. and then going to the gym was good. and now it's 8p and i only have a few hours to stew before i pass out.

i did real pushups today. me. real pushups. my arms hurt like hell. but. i'm ok with that.

tomorrow though. it's going to be rough. i'm trying really really hard here to be positive. but having to be invited by your friends on their romantic date, while appreciated, makes you kinda feel lower than low. i want them to be happy. i dont want to be that depressing third wheel. i'm going to stay at the gym until i can't move. and then i'll pour myself home aand into bed.

i do have my valentine doggie though, and that is a really good gift. so i cant complain.

2012-02-12T21:32:00.001-05:00

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2012-02-12T20:20:00.003-05:00

the fact that calypso is so in tune with my emotions is an interesting thing, but it really makes me sad when i feel like she's sad too. she hasnt left my side all day, sleeping with her head in my lap.

i know i'm whining guys. i know none of you want to hear it. but this is really the only outlet i have to allow myself to be upset, bc day-to-day i have to be the happy fun helpful andrea. but i feel like i have a giant weight sitting on my chest. i am sad. i'd be lying if i said i wasnt. i have good moments, with friends, on the random date, and surprisingly at the gym of all damn places, but in the grand scheme of life, i am sad. even when i had my winter depression last year i was sad bc i felt like i was a part of a good thing. even when things were bad, and sometimes they were, but i felt like things would always end up ok if we tried hard enough.

i've made a damn ass of myself trying.

i have no idea what i am doing and that scares the living hell out of me. i'm trying very hard to be ok with what happened and accept it as a lesson and move on from it. but clearly i'm not doing a very good job of it. and i don't know what it is that i'm doing wrong. i'm tired of being angry and sad and hurt and a mess. and i'm doing all the things i'm supposed to be doing to not feel those things. but it's not working. hell, i'm even reading a book called "enjoying where you are on the way to where you are going." i'm only halfway thru but it doesnt seem to be helping.

maybe i need to not push myself so hard trying to be ok with everything and just be miserable for awhile. i've never had time to just be miserable. i was either trying to help zach or help someone else or trying to show people i'm strong and happy. maybe i just need to be gd miserable.

whats my valentines day plans? going to the gym. coming home. having pasta that i'll end up sharing with the dog bc she gives me sad eyes. miserable.

i dont want to leave this town bc i'm running away from my hurt. but i'm not happy here. and i dont know where to find it.

i was supposed to be getting married in six months and moving to lexington. now i'm watching Being Human (the british version, not american, which i recommend) and arguing with my landlord in my overpriced one bedroom third floor dump. this is not where my life was going. and i want it back. but the harder i try the further away it gets. so i guess i have to find a new one. and i dont know how.

2012-02-12T14:36:00.001-05:00

I just spent the last two hours at the gym. It's become like a drug. I hate it but it seems your body can only focus on one kind of pain at a time and I'd rather it be productive pain.

Going with lish yesterday really upset me more than I realized. A lot more. And I can't show or tell her that. (she doesn't read this) she has been the one to take me in every Time I need it and I am going to do this for her with a smile on my face. But it is just so very very hard. ESP since they're getting married the weekend I was supposed to be.

I don't know where life is going. I genuinely don't. It scares me and I just don't know.

The only good thing Is I guess I'm becoming a gym rat. Bluh.

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2012-02-12T11:01:00.002-05:00

the fact that whitney houston has died should not upset me, but it does. and its not so much that i care so deeply about her but that she had a great talent and effectively killed herself. so many people have such wonderful gifts but are either pushed down, overwhelmed, or just plain hurting i guess. and its not just talented people, although i guess everyone has some sort of talent. i just. i dont know. people are troubled. i just want to go hug everyone and tell them they are loved and important and have a purpose on this earth. and i dont know if i want to do that strictly for other people or to hopefully remind myself. probably a lot of both.

i've got another date coming up. with a totally new person. i hate dating. i hate getting to know people in that way. why cant i just curl up on their couch and take a nap. if i can sleep around them then they must be something special. just skip the bullshit stage and just be able to know if theyre trustworthy, honest, caring. and i'd be lying if i said i was over zach, bc i'm sure all of you know that clearly. its just so... hard. i just wasnt a person who saw myself getting married and actually having kids and a future. and then i did and it was wonderful. and then the last year happened. what the fuck has this last year been besides a goddamn trainwreck. i didn't deserve this. i'm not trying to be a victim here but jesus. i did not deserve this. i didnt do everything perfectly, not by a long shot, but i did the best i fucking could. and everyone told me i was doing the right thing, was more than showing zach how much i cared. so what the fuck. i am just so angry. and hurt. and it makes me completely terrified to even try to open myself up to new people. but i dont want to be alone my whole life. i want to share the experiences with someone else, someone important. i am just bitching. i am healthy, i have a good job, i have friends who love me and take care of me when i need it. maybe that's all i'm supposed to have right now. but this is all new and scary and i dont like it. i dont blame the last date for not wanting to do anything further with me bc he's just as hurt by his ex as i am mine. so we're gonna be two fucked up friends who are still very much hurting. maybe i'm not ready to date, i dont know. its not bc i dont like myself, but how can i trust anyone now? i mean genuinely, how can i. i open myself up to someone and he runs away when things get alittle hard and then completely destroys his life and in turn mine, completely ruining my ability to trust. and the most fucked up partm the part that makes me absolutely hate myself is that i miss him. how can i miss someone who so totally fucked me over. deserted me when i needed him, even though i was getting a lot better than i had been, fucked and married some whore, and then lied about it. logically i can see how awful these things are. and then i try to excuse it bc he was depressed and a drunk, but maybe thats just who he really is. he had no problem getting over me and jumping into bed with the first slut that gave him the time of day. i wont say that he doesnt deserve every terrible thing that happened bc of her bc he absolutely does. tenfold. he should feel like shit. but he doesnt, he's moved on and is having a great life, and i'm the one stuck feeling like shit, not able to trust anyone. it makes me think that maybe i should just go find someone to fuck and get it over with. completely lose all morals that i've set for myself of taking time to get to know and trust people and just go have some dirty carnal pleasure. it seems to work for everyone else on this planet.

how in the fuck did i get from being sad about whitney houston to wanting to go have a lay with a stranger. hell maybe i'll just call brett, he's alwys up for it and will cook for me afterwards, so that should be a win win.

in the end i doubt i'll do that bc i may not have any self esteem but i do have some respect for myself. i cant help but think though that it would help on some level. maybe i'm just so cranky bc i need to get laid.

we still havent heard whether we've won the DC contract. if we dont get it i really really desperately need to come up with some other plans and get out of this town. nothing to do and too many painful memories.

i'm not losing it. the scary thing is i'm saner more than i've ever been. but i really figured i would be finished hurting by now. when will that stop? when will my heart stop missing someone who has no trouble whatsoever with throwing me away not once but twice. i didnt do a single thing wrong, i loved as hard as i could, so why am i the one hurting? i thought life was supposed to be about good things happening to good people, not the other way around. maybe i am the victim. i dont want to be one forever. i want better than this.

2012-02-11T17:54:00.001-05:00

we found lishas wedding dress and she looks so beautiful. I absolutely am not ashamed to admit how jealous I am. Firstly bc she gets to actually wear her dream dress and mostly bc she gets to get married and I know it will be forever for her. Selling my wedding dress and having my forever go up in smoke... Yeah. I am fully 100% green with jealousy. I hope hope hope that I'll get to experience that someday.

But this isn't abt me. It's abt lish. She looks amazing and the dresses she picked out for us are pretty alright too. Mine is a tangerine color which you'd think would be awful but I think it actually looks pretty ok. And it has pockets and that's always a win.

Last night we found the bouquets and they look great with everything. I'm so glad that everything is coming together for her. Maybe I should quit my job and become a wedding planner. I seem to make everyone else's weddings what they want.

No. I'm not bitter. Not at all.

I definitely however need to work on my arms some more. So I'm going to spend my Saturday evening at the gym. Bc that's where lonely people go.

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2012-02-10T23:13:00.001-05:00

I have so much on my mind lately that I feel like my brain is going to pop. Good and bad.

I had several good conversations with people which helped me learn a little more about myself and the world. I know that's vague and it's hard to explain.

I still don't know my place in this world. On one hand I'm trying very hard to find it. On the other, I'm at a complete and total standstill. I don't know where I am going but I hope it's somewhere.

One good thing today was I helped lish decide on the bouquets for her wedding. I'm pretty good at making them if I say so myself. I don't think I'll ever be more proud of any than the one I made for myself. I assume it got trashed a long time ago. But it was beautiful. But the ones for lish are very pretty too. Very fitting her personality. I'm glad I could help her. We are going tomorrow so she can try on dresses and we can try on bridesmaid dresses. It breaks my heart a little bit. Maybe I really am always going to be a bridesmaid and never a bride. I came awfully close though... I think everything from that has now been sold/donated/destroyed. That's a little heartbreaking too. But this isn't abt me it's abt lish. And I have to keep remembering that. I want her to have her perfect wedding. And I'll do whatever I can to make that happen.

We were supposed to see barb in the hospital this evening but I guess she had another bad day and wasn't up for visitors. I'm so worried about her and the babies. I'm going to try to go tomorrow evening if she is doing any better.

I'm really sore today from the gym last night. Which I knew I would be. But it's a good sore. It's something I can be proud of. Lately I don't really feel like I've got many things to be proud of, so I'll take the gym soreness. I genuinely am trying to make myself better and stronger. Both physically and mentally. There is a 5k next month and I'm going to do it if it kills me.

Someone said that they think I'm not happy with myself. I think that is incorrect bc it's a misconception. I am happy with myself. I'm just not happy with the situation myself is in and I'm not sure how to go about changing it. I know how to take care of myself and others. How to love myself and others. How to live a good and honorable life that would make people proud of me. But I just don't think I am doing that to my full potential. And I don't know how. Not yet anyway. I'm hoping I'll figure it out, and we all know patience isn't my strong area. Yeah I lost my mind the other night, but who hasn't when the weight of all your worries and stresses and hopes and dreams just becomes too much. I'm not ashamed of it. And I write about it on here and let it all out in the open because I want you to understand me better. Maybe in doing do I'll understand myself better. But I'm not ashamed of my tears and rants. But they don't mean that I'm not happy with myself. If anything I'm not happy with the fact that I can't find a way to help someone else.

Anyway. I know the few of you who still read this are out there keeping tabs on my. And I do appreciate it. From the bottom of my heart.

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2012-02-09T20:56:00.001-05:00

I actually like my eyes. Though I'm told they often look sad.

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2012-02-09T20:37:00.001-05:00

this is one crazy photo. Editing and bad attempt at pin-up/rockabilly type hair

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2012-02-09T19:46:00.002-05:00

today was just an exhausting day.

first i had to argue with the rental company about a late fee that i still dont think i deserve to pay but they are throwing a fit and went so far as to send me a nasty email about it after i called in and tried to have it explained. i completely lost my cool and emailed back and informed them that i had never been treated so rudely and their ethic toward customers was appalling. i usually dont do stuff like this (examply, i nearly started crying when i sent back a dish at dinner the other night bc it tasted awful but i didnt want to cause a scene or upset anyone) but the lady i spoke to was just flat out a rude bitch. so i'm probably going to get kicked out of my apartment now, but you know what? it's worth it.

we had a big video conference with the Secretary of Energy, Chu, this afternoon. it was more of a see-and-be-seen type of thing, but he said something that really stuck out to me. he said that when he became SoE and he was talking to people who wanted to work for the Dept of Energy that they had to want to change the world. and i really liked that. yeah there is a lot of politics in there, but it's nice that people are trying to make a positive difference.

i nearly canceled my gym session this evening bc i was feeling sorry for myself, but i've made friends with the trainer kid and he put together a workout plan for me and i didnt want to let him down. besides deep water running last night (which is super awesome btw) this was the first real working out i've done since i got the plague. and it felt soooo good. i needed that. my arms now feel like spaghetti bc i did everything to failure and that is just a damn good pain. i'm probably not going to be able to move tomorrow, but it's ok. i needed to push myself like that. my leg muscles are pretty good now, but it's time to work on my weenie girl arms. and i think if i keep this up i'm gonna be pretty alright in that area. and core. holy shit. my abs hurt. do planks, yall. that was almost half of my core workout.

tomorrow after work i am going to go visit barb in the hospital. it sounds like she's probably going to be hospitalized or at least bed-bound for the rest of her pregnancy and she is miserable. so i'll go stock up on trashy magazines and things to keep her occupied.

i do get down on myself and can be a mess. but that doesnt mean that i dont like myself. yeah my self esteem is usually nothing, but i know and can understand the good things. it's just sometimes it all overwhelms me and i lose it. i try so hard to be strong for everyone else that i forget to take care of myself. and i think thats what happened last night. i have to remember that not everyone is going to love me like i want them to, and that that is ok. i've just gotta keep picking myself up, dusting myself off, and keep going.

also this is going to sound silly but i feel naked without my mole now. it has been there all my life and i recognize it as part of just the general makeup of me. so to look at this little scar is just really unnerving for some reason. but then i think if you split me open right now you'd see a lot of little scars. gotta heal. but i'll always remember the hurting.

2012-02-09T12:19:00.001-05:00

"then if you're crazy, don't date. men don't want to date crazies. There's enough out there as it is!"

that is officially the most hurtful, painful, yet true thing anyone has ever said to me, especially coming from someone i counted as one of my closest friends.

2012-02-09T07:57:00.001-05:00

just ignore me. I'm pmsing. I'm fine. I'll. Well. I'll be fine. I always am.

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2012-02-09T00:53:00.003-05:00

there is only so long i can be brave before i crack and totally lose my shit.

and that happened tonight.

i sit and worry about everything. EVERYTHING. everything in my life. everything in my friends life. everything in people who want nothing to do with me's life. everything in the lives of complete and total strangers. and i've sat here and just sobbed for the better part of 3 hours.

and i know its stupid and i know i should be grateful for everything in my life, and i AM grateful for everything. but i still come up empty handed and cant figure out for the life of me what exactly it is that i am doing wrong. there were parts of me that almost -wanted- my labs to come back bad, so that then i'd actually have somethiing real to be upset over.

i'm tired of being strong for myself and for everyone around me. i just want to curl up in a ball and cry and let someone take care of me for awhile. but i cant do that. bc i dont have that. i cant ask people to leave their own lives and their own problems to take care of me when i'm just crazy and there is nothing really wrong.

but i would give up my job, my salary, hell, even my books, just to feel like everything is actually ok. to feel like i belong somewhere.

i dont belong anywhere.

2012-02-08T19:36:00.002-05:00

Bird by bird. that's how i'm taking things. (i guess you'd have to read the book Bird by Bird to understand that)

it very much is a relief that i don't have to worry about my labs. i made a lot of jokes about it but those who know me know how completely terrified i was. i had pretty much resigned myself for the worst, and only hoped for the best.

however. things apparently cant go well for me for very long. for some reason my bank account shows that my rent and electric bill came out, but both are sending me late notices. So i'm goin to have to go battle with the bank i guess to get this fixed. i just do not have the energy for that. it makes me want to cry.

i'm not exaggerating at the crying part. i had a moment today where i just felt sorry for myself. and i know it's stupid. but valentines day is coming up and its just really hard. things are so very different from this time last year. i didnt notice it but i still had the card that came with my flowers from valentines day last year up on my fridge. it's so strange to read it and see how very very different things are now. did those words mean what they said? why dont they mean thatnow? this year makes me want to sleep.

i'm not an evil bitch.

anyway. nevermind. just whining.

2012-02-08T10:31:00.001-05:00

My labs finally came back and everything is fine. I can finally breathe for the first time in over two weeks.

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2012-02-07T21:59:00.001-05:00

2012-02-07T18:58:00.005-05:00

here are some photos, to distract you from my phantom ulcer and my potentially cancer-ridden leg

(bc lets see the bright side here!)you cant really tell in this pic, but my hair is getting ridiculously long. i like it a lot.

how completely pathetic does calypso look? its a new phone app, stupidly named BeFunkyFX. whatever. she is adorable and has been really wonderful these last few days. i swear animals know when something is wrong. she slept curled up beside my head last night.
same app. just felt like it was a good fortune. we all need some good karma in our lives.

something to make you laugh. i may or may not have momentarily convinced myself i was getting carbon monoxide poisoned. then i remembered my apt is all electric. i win at life.
but seriously, i am feeling a little better. food is staying where it is supposed to and the headache is only at a 7 as opposed to 10 from the last few days. to celebrate i'm going out to a fancy dinner. i'll even bother putting on makeup. bc if you have on makeup they cant see how scared you are underneath.

2012-02-06T12:56:00.003-05:00

Well I got my stitches out and didn't cry. Though I thought i was going to puke all over the poor nurse. I did get hot and faint feelin, but i muscled thru like a champ.

yes, i do realize for most ppl that getting stitches out is no big deal.

however, the office has 'misplaced' my lab results. the nurse didnt understand why they hadnt contacted me yet and went looking for them and couldnt find them. i'm supposed to call back on thursday if i havent heard anything.

THIS DOES NO GOOD FOR MY PHANTOM ULCER, of which I have decided to refer to as Rufus. The fucking bastard.

so that's where i am. 2 pieces of toast and half a bowl of chicken noodly soup has stayed in place so far this morning, knock on wood. So we'll see what happens, if I don't lose my shit before Thursday.

puke puke cry puke.

2012-02-06T08:30:00.003-05:00

well after my good evening Friday, I've gone right back to being sick. And let me tell you that projectile vomiting toast is not pleasant. I'm working from home for a bit this morning bc I have to go get my stitches out in a bit (and hopefully find out the test results) and i'm worrying about that too. I've not eaten yet and therefore dont feel like total shit. I'm gonna try though and see what happens. if I get sick again, i'm going to the doctor again and make them fix whatever is going on with me. mom thinks that i've given myself an ulcer from worrying about everything. the only good part of all this is that i've lost nearly ten pounds in this mess. although this is not how i wanted to lose weight. blugh.

i really really need for something good to happen to me soon.

2012-02-04T11:41:00.002-05:00

well, it turns out i still have it, whatever 'it' is. my razzle dazzle personality? and by that, i mean my sarcastic way of making fun of myself for the amusement of others. but i went on a date and stayed at the new bdubs talking til after one am. i dont even know the last time i've felt like staying up that late, but time just flew. and i really enjoyed myself. and i hope to do it again.

bc of my good mood i got up this morning and cleaned the whole apartment. even the stuff i hate doing like dusting and scrubbing the bathroom. and now i'm watching the show Being Human, which i've only seen two episodes so far but i highly recommend it. I also recommend The United States of Tara. if you have ever felt crazy, it will remind you that things in your life really arent that bad.

i'm completely over my stomach flu. i think really i was over it before but i was just nervous yesterday. it's nice to know i still get nervous about things. i think it keeps you real.

a friend from home has a gig downtown tonight, and i figure i might as well go check it out. it's at blackbear, which is one of my favorite places to eat. and also to hippie watch.

for now, i'm going to curl up and watch tv and drink tea and cuddle with the dog on the couch in a pile of blankets. and it is a good day. for the first time in.. i dont even know how long, i genuinely feel good.

2012-02-03T18:50:00.001-05:00

I feel like I'm gonna bork for completely un-stomach flu related reasons. Do I remember how to do this?- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-02-02T19:10:00.001-05:00

Puppy doesn't look well either.

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2012-02-02T18:41:00.000-05:00

also, read this

2012-02-02T18:32:00.003-05:00

Norovirus.

bork. sweats. fever. that scene from Dumb and Dumber. headache. light sensitivity. mostly, i just want to die.

rachael and amanda have brought me food and drink so i stay hydrated, which apparently is the most important. but mostly i lay under a pile of blankets waiting for my stomach to quit rolling and watching Bones.

mostly though, i really would just like to be put out of my misery.

2012-02-02T05:28:00.001-05:00

When I was little I got it in my head that George Washington had been on the land where my home is. Which isn't completely illogical since he did survey much of Appalachia and all. But I'd sit and make up stories of things he did. That the camp was where my swing set sat. Or that he came up over the mountain where the road forks and thought it was the most beautiful place on earth. And how luckily I was to be standing on the same ground as our first president. I had such a strong imagination. I still do. I still live in a dream world where everything is ok. Its getting harder to hold onto this dream. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-02-01T23:04:00.001-05:00

I'm reading this book, Bird by Bird, that was recommended to me by one of the bosses at work. It's partly abt writing, but also a good study in life. In one part the author is talking abt how each person is born with this figurative emotional acre if land. And we make it our own and nurture it how We want and no one is allowed on our land unless we allow it. And I'm sitting here thinking what my piece of land might look like. I think it would have nice thick grass, the kind that is nice to lay in, that needs cutting but isnt overwhelmingly untidy yet. And there would be a big, sun faded couch in the middle long enough to lay on. And there would be an old blanket and an assortment of books. And there would be a tree off to the side, with some sort of tire swing. And randomly there would be lawn gnomes and pinwheels. And that would be my place. The good place to run away to when life was too much. That only special people got to visit. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-02-01T21:37:00.001-05:00

so the adhesive thingy that was covering my stitches beneath the bandaid finally came off. And I finally saw my stitches for real. I may or may not have puked and or Nearly passed out. Let's just pretend I'm super brave and awesome, ok?In good news Brandon has his tickets to come home for his spring break. Itll be nice to see him and hang out and go to gabes. Bc tht is how we roll. HahaSo. I guess that's all I have to report. My life is pretty dull. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-02-01T08:30:00.002-05:00

oh stomach flu, we have met too many times this winter. if this keeps up i'll feel like i'm going to end up on one of those intervention shows for puking.

1. i've just found the show Downton Abbey on netflix, several people have told me abut it. and it's great.

2. all i want is mashed potatoes

3. i still dont know what i'm doing with my life.

4. i'm going back to bed now

2012-01-31T21:23:00.001-05:00

everyone please take a minute and say a prayer for my friend barb and her twins. There are complications where one twin is getting all the nutrients and it's harming the other. They are trying to fix this but it's very difficult and could lead to some scary and serious choices on barbs part. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-31T09:06:00.001-05:00

I hate when nightmares are so real that you wake up sobbing. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-30T15:23:00.001-05:00

and once again the universe reminds me that everything is going to be ok, that this new path I'm on is exactly where I need to be. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-29T16:32:00.002-05:00

since when am i a painter?

painting for some reason makes sense to me lately. messy painting. i finished a nerdy painting for my intern, something from zelda i dont know but he likes it.

i have 4 other mini canvases for other people i need to figure out something to paint.

i had a good day with mom and dad. i think mostly they came up and spent the night to make sure i wasn't in the floor crying, surrounded by piles of trash. luckily this time around getting sad has made me clean a lot. to the point when i'm even thinknig of getting rid of some of my books. scary, i know.

my friend barb is expecting twin boys soon so i picked her up some baby clothes. and oh holy hell. baby boy clothes are so adorable. it really made that baby timer in me start ticking. i really have to sit down and start making some sort of life plan. bc i have goals. not for today or tomorrow, but in life. i guess what i'm trying to say is someday down the road i do want kids. and i want to be able to share that with someone.

life blah. i always have sort of a downer evening after having such a good weekend. but i'm gonna keep on with what i'm doing, bc it's better than sitting at home being sad.

2012-01-28T10:44:00.002-05:00

i had such a good time last night/this morning. there was a band playing at Gibbies last night (the tom batchelor band, you should check them out) and it was just great. i didnt even have much to drink but i decided that if i wanted to do things, i was going to do it. so when a stranger asked to dance, i did it. when i felt like dragging everyone else i knew to the dance floor, i did it. three hours passed in what felt like 20 minutes bc i was actually HAVING A GOOD TIME. it's a novel concept. or at least something i'd forgotten.

we went back to a friend's house til all hours of the morning so they could jam (bc somehow that is what always happens with people i know, which is a nice thing that i have such musical people in my life). somehow the last nine months of my life became topic of conversation. as much as i talk about it on here, i dont enjoy talking about it at all in real life. but i felt better that people agreed that it wasnt my fault. and in a really barbaric horrible way, i felt really good that my guy friends rallied around and offered to kick some ass. having guy friends has gotten me in trouble in relationships before when people are unjustly jealous, but times like now, it's nice to know they are there. i can take care of myself, but it's always nice knowing that there is someone with muscle having your back. hah.

i need to get off my ass soon bc mom is on her way up to shop. i know we'll end up at the craft store which is good, bc i need supplies to finish the five random crafts i offered to make on facebook.

all in all i had a good time last night. granted it was something like i would have done five years ago, but sometimes you just want to forget the problems of your life and listen to the music. and i need to remember to do that more often.

much love from me.

2012-01-28T02:23:00.001-05:00

Its been a long time since someone played drunken guitar for me. Who is also drunk. Also I danced with a hot stranger tonight. Woohoo - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-27T16:13:00.001-05:00

so it hit me that there is no point sitting at home alone pining over something that isn't going to happen. So, I made a move for once and am going out. Look at me growing some figurative testicles. I've been talking to a guy who sounds pretty interesting. Teaches history. Drives a motorcycle. Has abs. Clearly these are the superficial things that attract me, and I'm trying to make this lighthearted. But we have had some really interesting convos online so I figure why not? I've got nothing to lose. If it sucks then it sucks and at least I put myself out there. Terrified? Duh. Do you know how long it's been? I've been in a cycle of breaking up/fixing zach for so long that I dunno if I remember how to date. But. He's made it perfectly clear he's moves on. So I will to. His loss. But I am excited. And I feel like things are gonna be ok. Maybe not what I want or planned, but maybe there's something else out there that I will want more. Life has a crazy way of making things work out the way they are supposed to. And this isn't saying I'm not sad anymore bc I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But. I can't wait on someone who doesn't even want to speak to me. Here goes nothing...- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-26T21:58:00.001-05:00

fact. There are some places on your body that having to switch out band aids is total effing bullshit. I have found one this evening. So glad I took that Tylenolpm first or I'm pretty certain I would have lost my shit. Also, I actually had a really good time at the bar tonight with all the ppl from work. I am so thankful I work with people who I can enjoy spending time with in and out of the office. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-26T11:16:00.001-05:00

well. I didn't sleep for shit last night. I have variations of two nightmares. In the first my leg rots off of cancer and kills me over night and no one knows I'm dead and calypso eats my body bc she is starving and she then dies of cancer. I the other one my stitches burst open and my leg splits open and my internal organs fall out and I die and the dog eats me and does from over eating. I am messed up. Also my leg is throbbing. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-25T19:42:00.001-05:00

my leg hurts so fucking bad. But it hurts less than my stupid heart.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-25T16:44:00.001-05:00

I'm so mentally exhausted today. I started the morning by the dermatologist telling me that the mole on my leg was suspicious and worrisome and she wouldn't feel comfortable with not taking it off today. And you know how I deal, or don't deal, with needles. It took two to numb me. And then it wouldn't stop bleeding. And then they had to put stitches in it and I have to go back in ten days and get them taken out. I didn't cry. Bonus points for me. But I got shaky and have just felt like crap the rest of the day. And I texted zach full well knowing he didn't even give a shit. But he still is the first person I want to talk to. And that really fucking sucks. Then I check the mail and someone has sent me an owl necklace. My owl necklace. I texted zach to see why he'd do something so hurtful. He says it wasn't him. Neither do any of the usual subjects. I don't know how I feel about this. It breaks my heart a little bit. It's five pm and I'm going to bed. I can't handle this day anymore. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-24T21:34:00.001-05:00

I can be bold and brave in the daylight. But at night I am not brave. At night I am heartbroken and lonely and questioning God why it happened this way. At night I rack my brain for things I can do to get him to realize. But I've tried everything. And now I feel like the end of my book had the last half of its chapters torn out.My heart has broken over and over since April. I thought I could fix it. Fix us. You don't tell some one you love them and give up. You fight for it. I'm going to be crying myself to sleep tonight. I'm sorry for being such a downer. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-24T20:01:00.002-05:00

going to the gym this evening was exactly what i needed today. i needed to shake off a little bit of what is keeping me down. who would have thought i would come to enjoy working out? definitely not me.

i lied earlier when i said that i dont magically wish things would work out, bc i do. i always will have stupid hope that he'll see that i was right. but. i can't not hope bc thats just how i am. but i can't live my life waiting for it to change.

i've been thinking about tattoos again. i feel like if i can man up and just do it, then that would be a turning point in my life. maybe i am meant to go to DC. maybe i'm not. i dont know what i'm doing three days from now.

i'm just gonna keep trying to do the best i can, try to be the best me i can be, and have hope that there is a special plan for me out there.

2012-01-24T13:19:00.002-05:00

so for the first time in all of this i feel like there is sort of a sense of closure. i said what i needed to say, which was i can't be blamed for everything any longer. whether it was heard or not i dont know. but i said it, and it is sort of a freeing experience.

do i wish that on some level things can still magically be worked out? no. that would be too rose-colored-glassesy. and i tried that for long enough.

i broke down and talked to my mom last night, about everything about how i'm feeling about what i want/wish/etc. and she said something that i know all of you have said, but i guess when it comes from your own mother its different. but she said to me that it's not my fault that zach is sick. and thats just... its a truth i didnt let myself see. i let him blame me for so long that i started to believe it. and if it was my fault then logically i could have fixed it. but i cant. it isnt my fault. i did my part in trying to make things better, giving him second and third chances when people said i was crazy to do so. but. this isnt my fault. and it's something i'm going to have to keep reminding myself. bc i know i'm going to backslide some. but. i did the best i could. i fought as hard as i could. i loved as deeply as i could. and thats all that i can do.

she also told me to get back on eharmony, etc and look around and go on dates. i think thats kinda funny coming from my mom, but i know she just wants me to be happy. so i signed back up and explored once again the scary scary world of online dating. we'll see where this goes.

i'm not approaching it this time looking immediately for somethign serious. yes, i do want a serious relationship, i want marriage and kids. but i think maybe i should just date around, see whats out there. go on some shitty dates. maybe have a good one or two. with the prospect of DC still up in the air in 5-6 months, it's hard to want to even think about committing to someone and then having to move. i've just got to have faith that it will all work out the way it's supposed to, bc i have no dang idea where my life is going.

please say a special prayer for a friend from high school teresa and her husband scott. they lost their first baby during pregnancy and are pregnant with their second. she's having complications and they are putting her on bed rest. they are such good and kind people and would make the best parents. and it makes my heart hurt to see them in pain like this.

and you know what, send special thoughts for zach. bc he is a good guy. he's just lost. i'll always love him and wish him the best, even when i'm hurting the most. i hope he can fidn what is right for him.

2012-01-23T21:19:00.001-05:00

a really good friend of mines step mother is dying. She went in for a routine knee surgery and when coming out of anesthesia she somehow vomited into her lungs. They don't know how long her brain was without oxygen. She's been on a breathing machine for several days not but she is still in a coma. The family made the decision to unplug her Wednesday if nothing new develops. They are heartbroken. I'm so upset for them bc she was fairly young and in good health. Their whole world has turned upside down and knowing how much they are hurting is making me physically sick to my stomach. And it makes me realize how very short our lives are. We have to love hard. Work hard. Be around people who are positive influences in your life. And sometimes all of that is so hard to do. You wish the best for others but sometimes you have to stop and realize what is the best for you. Please say an extra prayer for Christopher, his stepmom, and the whole family. Tell your loved ones you love them. You never know when it might be your last. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-23T16:44:00.001-05:00

it's time for new beginnings. I can't keep taking on blame for things I didn't do. I don't know where I'm going but I can only hope it is better than this. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-22T19:25:00.003-05:00

so a bit of a longer post, since i'm actually functioning right now, after having a really nice nap for most of the afternoon.

the first part of the party was really awkward. they had us walk down steps to a literal red carpet. one of our coworkers sons apparently is a DJ on one of the local oldies radio stations, so they hired him to stand there with a microphone and interview us as we came in. while this was happening, three photographers took our picture, a la paparazzi. he asked us what we were wearing (uh....ebay?) and what our plans were for the night (to find the closest bar). we then were ushered to a green screen photo thing to have an 'official' photo taken with a backdrop of the hollywood sign etc.

i wont lie, i drank a good bit. i've had so much on my mind lately that i wanted to just let loose. so cocktail hour was boring but several drinks were had. we then went into another room for dinner/dancing/gambling. it was set up with movie theme stuff- one of those things that they snap and yell "cut!" on each centerpiece, standup cutouts from movies, and on each table a pair of sun glasses and/or a light-up bling ring. all the food had movie themed names. i dont remember any of them, but the mashed potatoes were aaaawesome.

they then did the boring awards and telling us of how rad we are. we each got a columbia jacket with the company logo on. they left the price tag attached which i think was tacky, but i know that they wanted us to know they spent 90 bucks a piece on them.

at some point i fucked up and texted zach a pic of me in my dress all done up. i felt really pretty last night and i thought if he saw that maybe he'd miss me or something. i'm so incredibly embarrassed that i did this. i feel like an ass. he doesnt want to talk to me. but he was really nice about it and i dont think he was too mad at me for bothering him. still though. i know he doesnt want to here from me and here i go sending him pics, telling him i wish he was there, etc. i'm a mess.

then there was the gambling portion and i tried to show bethany how to play craps. i told her we wouldnt stay there all evening though. i missed out on some good times last year bc of it. and then we went and danced til the end of the night. then everyone went to the hotel bar for another 2 hours to hang out. the football coach was there, which was exciting for some of the people i guess.

then we did what all classy people do and went to eat'n'park and had the best biscuits and sausage gravy ever. EVER.

today i woke up after 3 hours of sleep ready to take on the world. and then i remembered that i texted zach and hated myself and texted to apologize. he never texted back. i dont really blame him i guess. so after dicking around for awhile we went to golden finch and had super fatty awesome breakfast. bethany and rachael had mimosas, i had profiteroles. and it was good.

and then i slept all afternoon. bc thats what i do bc i am lame.

all in all, i had a really good time. i was worried that it might be weird, but it wasnt. and now all i want in my life is a hot dog, some milk, and a bag of hot fries. but i refuse to drive to sheetz to get them bc i am lazy.

2012-01-22T08:11:00.001-05:00

my work party was last night and such a good time. It started out by having my neighbor help us break into my car bc it was frozen shut. Once we got to the party it really was Red carpet themed. Complete with photographers, someone interviewing us asking who we were wearing, etc. I introduced Bethany to craps but didn't get sucked into gambling all night again. It was a lot of fun. Here are pictures.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-21T07:57:00.001-05:00

I just woke up from a dream just a mess bc in it calypso had gotten loose and when I found her her stomach was all cut open and I couldnt find anyone to help me. I think that unless you've had a pet and especially if you've lived alone that you don't know what it's like. Poor calypso has seen me through some pretty rough times. And Shes seen some pretty great times. I absolutely judge people in my life by how they treat my dog and there are some people who are no longer a part of it bc of how they treated her. I thought I had a little family unit before. But it's back to me and the pooch. And I'm thankful she is here. I think I'm going to hug her and try to go back to sleep now.

I think - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-20T21:07:00.001-05:00

this evening I am sad and lonely. Im letting myself mope a bit. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-20T10:18:00.001-05:00

town is a mess of snow and ice. My parking lot looked like a war happened, with cars slid and parked into other cars. I fishtailed the whole way here. My thighs are sore as hell from being a squat champion. It's a good kind of sore though, like I'm a bad ass. Even though 40squats aren't that many, it's probably 35 more than I could do six months ago. I feel like I finally have some closure of sorts with zach. We both acknowledged we hurt each other. I want to try again, he doesn't. And I understand that. Maybe someday. Or maybe I'll meet someone who is a better fit. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I sure don't anymore. I'll always love Zach and I'm not sorry or ashamed to say that. I do want what's best for him. This is me trying to act like an adult. And I can't stress enough that my mini breakdown wasn't all abt zach. Not by a longshot. There are other things going on right now that just aren't in my control either. It makes me feel like the world is spinning around me. But I feel today at least I have a little bit better hold on things. So. We will see what happens. I feel good. I miss zach but I think thts just going to be normal for quite a while since I talked to him all day everyday for the two years. I found a comic I want to send him but I can't. So I'll enjoy the comic myself. Anyway. Have a good day dear readers. Thank you for putting up with me. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-20T02:44:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-19T20:40:00.002-05:00

so another positive thing. its a small thing, but hey, any positive thing counts at this point, right?

i did my fitness evaluation at the new gym tonight. i did bad on the upper body, which is no surprise bc i have weenie girl arms. i did awesome on the legs part. i had to do squats until i couldnt do anymore and he stopped me at 40 bc i can squat like a boss. then i had to do a speed walk on the track for a mile and i clocked a time that was in the excellent category for my overweightness. so. he is going to make me up a program to help me get not-so-weenie girl arms and to continue toning everything else up.

my party dress came in the mail too, after being so stressed about having to borrow one of rachaels. i tried it on for them and they said to wear the new one. so i will.

and to treat myself for frankly not losing my shit or crying today, i went and got my nails done all pretty for the party.

and now it is snowing and calypso is laying in my bed on the heating pad getting all nice and toasty.

all things considered, it wasnt a terrible day. not like yesterday. i'm not where i want to be by far, but things could be so much worse. and i'll take that for now.

2012-01-19T14:39:00.003-05:00

i'm just on brain overload.

i tried to explain my last 24 hours to brandon just now. and all he could say was 'wow.' there is so much more going on besides being upset about zach, that i am just ready to shut down.

but i refuse to shut down. bc i'm gonna be stronger this time. i know that there is a goal here, something positive to work toward. i thought it was one direction, but. i guess it's another.

but i would be lying if i didnt say that at about 3am this morning i thought about the pros and cons of driving off a bridge. not that i would ever do that, and please understand that. i wouldnt. but i can see the logic of just wanting to take yourself out of the equation sometimes. it would make some people's lives easier. it would cause less stress. but i know overall it would be an awful thing, and i'd never ever do it. and i think bc i can recognize that and look at it logically means i'm far saner than i ever was before.

two different coworks had famiily members pass away today. and then our work mailman had his house burn down last night and how his family has nothing. this just kills me. i'm going to do whatever i can to help them. maybe if i put my effort into something else like helpign people, i'll start feeling good again.

in slightly brighter news, i got a promotion of sorts at work today. i dont know if it will come with more money, but its more responsibility, and will look good on my resume in the long run. my supervisor congratulated me and said that it was excellent that my potential is being recognized. so i feel good about that. frankly, i'll take whatver i can get right now in the feel good department.

and i feel like i should say, for my own benefit as much as anyone reading this, he did apologize for saying he hated me. but i drove him nuts. i took too long to show i cared. so.. there's nothing I can do to change that situation. so i can just work on myself and keep plugging along. i dont know what tomorrow will bring, but i have to hope that it is something good.

2012-01-19T05:56:00.001-05:00

I can't sleep. So I dug around under my bed and found my wedding planning book. It's the last "thing" of from before. I looked through it. And I let myself be sad. But even I can see that those plans were with a different person than who he is now. The person I planned a wedding with would never lie or cheat. Would never be intentionally mean. Would never say he hated me. This new person? As hard as I tried I don't know this person. I don't think I even like this person. I fought so hard bc I know my zach is in there. But this zach kills him. It's hard to watch that. So you try and help. You tell them you Care. But when they say I'm thr one that's nuts, you realize everybody in your lift is right and you've just been too stubborn to see. I love him, but someone's soul mate (or whatever emotional word you want to put in here) would never in a million years, no matter what, do what he has done to me. So I had one last look at the wedding planner, I felt all those feelings, and I threw it away. It was a very bittersweet but freeing feeling. That journey is over. I fought for it for a lot longer than I should have. I genuinely thought he'd get better. But. I was wrong. Am I going to feel this brave from now on, probably not. I know I'll be sad some. It's hard to lose the love of your life. It's even harder to accept you lost them nearly a year ago and you've been fighting a losing battle with a lie. But even I know when to throw in the towel. Somewhere out there is someone for me. Someone who won't lie. Who won't drink too much. Who will give me time to feel my feelings. Who won't be hateful. He will have the good qualities of Zach, bc he did have some very good qualities and when things were good with us they were wonderful beyond measure. But this person who is meant for me won't desert me when things get a little bit hard. Won't take me or my love for granted. I have to believe there is a greater plan for me. And whoever I am supposed to meet is coming into it as fast as they can. I have that something is going to happen feeling again. It was pretty spot on this last time. But this time, I feel like something good is going to happen. I will embrace that. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-18T21:31:00.003-05:00

i think what upsets me the most is that this is the sanest, healthiest, most stable i've ever been in my life. i keep hearing "get happy with yourself" or "dont count on me for happiness". and the thing is, i'm not. for the first time ever i like myself, i feel good about myself (emotionally, physically, socioeconomically, etc etc) and somehow i get yelled at for trying to project my happiness on someone else. what i want is someone to -share- in my happiness. to experience life with me. to feed off my being (in a positive way, not like a parasite) and me off of them. i mean i know that if i took the time and had half the desire to, i could go out and find a date right now. i'm moderately attractive, i'm funny, people tell me that i have a good personality that makes others want to be near me and be my friend, i have a good job and can support myself. i think thats a pretty good lot right there. i mean, zach and my relationship ended bc he didnt think he could handle my depression, and it turns out that i'm pretty sane in this one.

i think my issue is i see people hurting and i want to fix it. 99% of the time its obvious what would fix the problem, but 99% of the time people are too stubborn/scared/bullheaded to try/forgive/etc. one chance isnt the end of the world. and i dont know why more people dont get that. yeah i can be stubborn but i never deep down stop doing what i believe in, what i know is right.

the DC job is back on the market again. It's a whole other job than the one I said no to. This would be anywhere from a June-October start date. half of me says yes, lets go meet new people, there are plenty of upwardly mobile men my age in that city who i could meet and go to the smithsonian with. (have i mentioned i love love the air and space museum? taking me there was the one decent thing brett ever did.) but the other part of me doesnt want to go bc i dont know if it'd be bc i want to or bc i was running away from my problems. i dont want to run away from things, i want to face them head on. but so far facing them head on has gotten me nowhere but yelled at like i'm the crazy person. and for once in my life, i'm not the crazy person here.

i'm not putting any stock one way or the other about a move. pretty much everyone i talk to think it'd be the greatest thing ever for me. and that it wouldnt necessarily have to be permanent, which is true. there are some beautiful apartments in Old Town which are stupid expensive but have so much incredible architecture and history. for a nerd like me DC is probably one of the best places to move, even though i dont like the weather or the ridiculous traffic. but maybe thats what i need. a new life. maybe that is where i need to be 'going'. i genuinely dont know. but i dont have to decide today. i dont have to decide for several months really. but i'm keeping that as an option this time. i didnt move for work twice for zach. i dont regret either of them, but this time if i'm asked, i'm evaluating it on me and me alone. bc i cant count on people (other than friends it seems) to stand by you when you really truly need it. i stood by zach through everything, when i thought things were my fault, when i knew things were his, i still stood by him bc i knew (and still know, without a doubt) that he is a good man. he just lost his way a little bit. and i thought if i sttod by him he'd appreciate that and realize what we could do. but. thats not what he wants. and if he's already out talking to other girls that pretty much means there is no final hope.

i'm sorry for being so whiny and mopey. i do that really well lately. i know you dont believe me when i say i'm fine. i really really am. yeah i cry myself to sleep every now and then, but its not because i'm depressed. its bc my heart hurts. for me and for him. but i cant fix everyone, so there you go.

in other news rachael found me the perfect dress for our work party. i actually feel really super pretty in it. i'm very excited for saturday now. i wish i was taking the same person as last year... but i know i'll have a whole lot of fun with bethany this year.

2012-01-18T16:44:00.001-05:00

when i get upset like this its so hard on me not to get really down on myself. And I need to get my chin up here. Bc I didn't do wrong here. I legitimately tried. Yeah breaking up back in April had to do with some of my issues. But I worked in them. I fixed them and myself. And I've done nothing but be supportive these last nine months. And I'm not sorry that I took my time to hurt and be upset after I found out he got married in November. I had every right to be upset. And it was healthier tht I took the time to feel it all than box it in and not feel emotions like I tend to do. And it's not my fault that he spent 7k on my ring and he doesnt think he will be able to get half that out of it if he sells it. I planned on wearing it the rest of my life. Plus, I didn't need a ring that expensive anyway. I'd be just as happy with one from walmart. It's hard not to get down in myself though. Bc you try to talk reason and be nice and supportive and you get yelled at. I didn't do anything wrong. Color me stupid but I think if you love someone you tell them. And I think there is always a place for second chances. And I feel bad that I'm bitching about this. Yeah. It's been a month. It's even been several months. But this isn't something I can just get over in a day. I was planning on getting married. This time last year I had just got my wedding dress fitted. This time last year we were getting ready to go to my work party, all fancy and happy. So how did I get here?I feel bad that ppl are coming out of the woodwork tryin to cheer me up. Even Todd is being supportive. Hell, he is the person who said he had never seen me as happy as the pic where I tried on my wedding dress and that he could see in my face how in love I was. Now he is trying to convince me that I'll find someone new who won't do this to me. I don't want people pitying me. I guess I brig it on myself though. It's just so hard to let go when you can see what good things there could be if people would just take one step and be brave. Im being brave and I keep having my feet kicked out under me. I'm going out this evening. Put on makeup, do my hair, plaster on a smile. Who knows what could happen? I guess it's time I give up on zach and try to move on. I don't like it, but what choice is there? - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-18T12:55:00.001-05:00

I feel like I should be used to people moving on. But it hurts. It hurts so very much. I had a really good morning and felt like there was something good happening. And then like a rug pulled out from under me I'm back to square one. Maybe it's time I grow up and stop holding out and hoping. Hope hasn't really got me anywhere. I guess I'm going to have to start dating. I've not met or found anyone of interest. But maybe I have to wait longer. I don't know. I don't know much of anything I guess. I mostly feel stupid. I keep trying. And I keep setting myself up to fall. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-17T20:40:00.001-05:00

go watch this video and then other videos by these kids. they are AMAZING. they make my drunken version of this song even more embarrassing...

2012-01-17T19:29:00.002-05:00

1. i stayed home from work today bc i didn't want to infect anyone else with this crud. i'm going in tomorrow though, it will be fine. i hope.

2. i want to cover a room in white paper and get some paint and whip my hair back and forth like willow smith. i'm 100% serious about this.

3. i looked at a friends wedding photos today that i hadn't looked at in a lot time. they used to make me sad, but now i can appreciate them for really excellent photos of a great day. call it jealousy, call it whatever. i'm glad i'm past that.

4. alisha and jason came over last night and fixed my car and took me to get food. i dont know where i'd be these last couple of years without them. they've let me live with them. fixed my car. helped me move. took me to dinner. i've never felt like a third wheel with them. i'm so lucky to be a part of their wedding. i'm kinda sad helping plan someone elses dream wedding when i was so recently planning my own. but i know in the long run this is going to mean a lot to everyone.i'm glad i can help them.

5. trying to eat healthier sucks, especially when all i can think about is spaghetti with pink sauce from oliverios.

6. i've got to stop texting when i'm upset, bc it doesn't do any good for anyone. blurgh.

7. casino night episode of the office always makes me sad.

8. i have that itchy feeling again that something is about to happen.

2012-01-16T17:38:00.001-05:00

so much for a productI've day off. I have a migraine and my car battery is dead. It's things like this that make me cry. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-15T20:34:00.001-05:00

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-15T18:31:00.003-05:00

i had a good weekend at home, all things considering. it was a little hairy on the drive home bc the roads started to get a little iffy, but safe and sound i arrived.

i was really glad to see shainna on saturday. i dont get to see her enough, but i'm glad that even if we havent seen each other in a year we can pick up right where we left off. i can't wait until they get moved into their new house and i can go visit and we can eat cake waffles and watch crap tv.

i found this old jewelry box aunt dee had given me when i was little. it was pretty but dingy looking, so i painted it. i feel like i'm trying to remake and redo everything around me it seems. maybe bc i cant figure out how to redo myself? the moral of the story is, i think the box came our pretty well. the pic is on fb, i'm too lazy to save it tomy computer and move it over here. so go look at it there.

mammaw made me biscuits and creamed tomatoes, which is always a treat. the last time i had them from her was my bday last year when we stopped in on our way to kentucky for zach's grandad's funeral. it's weird that i remember that. comfort food really does comfort.

i finally found a hot date for my work party. bethany has agreed to come with me. i think we'll have fun, she and i always seem to, and she already knows a few ppl from work from doin the 5K awhile back.

everyone is trying to convince me that it'd be a good idea to move. there are a lot of pros and cons there. but right now, i just dont want to think about it.

calypso and i are going to sit here and try to stay warm and watch british comedies.

2012-01-13T08:47:00.001-05:00

it's not even 9am and friday the 13th is already kicking my ass. First I wake up with the worst cramps and headache in the history of mankind. Then when I finally get going, my car doors are frozen shut. I finally got the backseat door to open and had to climb around to get situated. Then I sat Stuck at the stoplight by my apt for seriously half an hour bc the stoplight was out and no one would let our lane turn. I'm just waiting to see what else is going to happen. I'm on the defensive now, folks. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-12T21:58:00.002-05:00

so for the first time since.. mid november? i'm having a panic/anxiety/whatever attack. i've already paced the apartment and tried doing everything else i can to take my mind off my mind but it aint workin folks.

i need the hand of God to come down and boot me in the ass and tell me where to go and what to do. Like in the Monty Python movies. thats how i picture God, loving but stern, with a sense of humor.

i have that feeling where something big is about to happen. i have no idea what it is. but i feel like i'm at some sort of a crossroads here. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life, and i dont want to follow a fiddle playing devil to georgia. but i feel like.. well.. something's got to give. something's got to happen. i need something to happen. bc i need some sort of direction. i thought i had a direction, and it was, i thought, a really good direction. and now i feel like i'm standing in one of those sign posts that have arrows every where but dont tell you where they go or how far away the destination is.

patience. i'm working on patience this year. friggin patience sucks. who's idea was it to work on being patient again?

i know what i want out of life. i just don't know how to get there. i can see a destination on the map, but there are no roads (of course if this was back to the future, where we're going we wouldnt need roads. athankyou).

hell, i'm now referencing movies trying to make sense. you know i've reached a new low when i do that, when someone elses bad 80s dialogue says what i'm trying to say better than i can.

i dont want a bandaid or a quick fix. i know in the long run i'm going to appreciate all the eight million feelings i have right now. youve got to work through each and every one of them and understand them for what they are. and i know that. but i feel like everything is taking so very long. i dont want it to take so long. i want to get to my destination, plop down my baggage, put on my sweatpants, and eat some cake while watching the Office or some other excellent show.

i need to get hulu. i've not seen new tv in awhile now.

i dreamed last night i was in a house fire and no one even tried to save me. thats like all my fears rolled into one.

2012-01-12T20:26:00.002-05:00

i zumba'd my butt off this evening. and now i'm eating chips. im not sorry.

apparently the weather is about to get super terrible, which is fitting as tomorrow is friday the 13th.

i want to send myself flowers and remind myself it's gonna be ok. maybe it's the gloomy weather but i'm not feeling like it is going to be. i want to make words right but i cant figure out how to make them line up.

the dog and i are going to continue to sit on the couch now. bc that's what we do.

2012-01-12T10:45:00.001-05:00

it's really stupid to be sad about missing things. Since I gave back my owl necklace, I've felt naked. I wore it just about all the time, even if it was just tucked in my shirt. I found one like it on eBay and bid on it but someone else won it. And I know it's stupid but it made me overwhelmingly sad. I didnt sleep for shit last night bc rachael stayed with me and she apparently sleep walks now. She came and woke me up at one point looking for her kitten. It was funny until I had to get up this morning. Well. It's still pretty funny. I just want to sleep. I'm planning on going home this weekend just for something different. Maybe I'll take my end tables in and paint them. I dunno. I have Zumba again tonight, which I am looking forward to. I need to buy a heartrate monitor soon so I can keep up with what I'm doing. I'm trying here. I'm really really trying. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-09T22:58:00.002-05:00

workin on my goals.

i've not looked at my 101 goals list in awhile. thats pretty shitty of me i think. i made the goals for a reason.

i'm going to learn quilling as soon as the mail comes, so i will be able to mark that off soon. and the same for zumba.

it seems i wrote 'write down 30 things i'm thankful for' twice on my list, so i might as well go ahead and knock one of those out now.

1. i am healthy
2. i've got a roof over my head and food in my belly
3. i have really supportive friends.
4. i know what love is, the good and the bad
5. calypso
6. my family. i may not always agree with them but they are there if i need them
7. that i enjoy my job and coworkers
8.that (knock on wood) my seasonal depression has been next to none this year
9. that i can find something to be thankful for even when i'm sad
10. technology. without it i wouldnt be able to keep in touch with so many people i care about
11. that my car runs (knock on wood)
12. that i have the ability to create things
13. that i enjoy helping others and can appreciate and acknowledge how blessed i really am
14. that i can still find ways to laugh at myself
15. books. an escape from reality, a whole new world.
16. that i'm learning to be healthier, mind and body
17. that switching my pills made the migraines go away
18. socks. without socks i'd be a cranky, cold-footed person
19. that i get to be a part of alisha's wedding. even though it's really hard and sad for me to think of wedding things right now, i'd not miss sharing this moment with her for anything.
20. i'm thankful for seasons changing. bc i think if you didnt have that you wouldnt appreciate the good ones even more.
21. i'm thankful that i have enough that i'm able to share with those in need
22. i'm thankful that i like fruit, or else this healthy meal-plan i've been put on would be the pits.
23. that i have this space to attempt to talk about my feelings. i know i suck at talking about my emotions, but this has given me a better grasp at trying to put things into words
24. that my office i work in now has a window and i get to see the sun
25. that there is a bigger plan for me in this world than what i know right now
26. that my grandma calls me to chat and check on the dog
27. that i can make other people laugh, even when i'm a mess inside
28. that i came from a small town. there are good and bad parts of livin in a small town, but i think it makes you appreciate the everyday aspects of life a little bit more.
29. the invention of the electric mattress pad, bc i am nice and toasty
30. that i took the time to write this list. bc it has helped me realize once again that i have many manythings in my life to be thankful for. and i know i dont say thank you enough for all of them. which i really need to start doing more.

i'm trying. i dont always do a good job with my words. but i'm trying so very hard.

2012-01-09T19:01:00.001-05:00

it's been such a long day. I'm just so tired of caring. Tired of trying. I thought if I kept persisting, kept showing I cared, that itd mean something. But. Too little too late. I got signed up at health works and am genuinely excited. I'm going to Zumba tomorrow and maybe to the pool later in the week. It doesn't seem as intimidating as it used to, but maybe that's bc I have half a clue of what I'm doing. I'm not happy. I can fully admit that. But I gotta believe it's for a reason. Maybe I didn't show zach how much I cared when I should have. I won't make that mistake again. I just regret how things happened with him. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-08T21:34:00.003-05:00

so today i painted a picture. bc i had this ugly big lots painting that i've had sitting behind my couch since i moved in. i've been wanting to do something with it for awhile but i don't think i'm very good at painting. so i picked two colors and decided to just do something i know and love. this is what it ended up like:i'm pretty proud of it, aside from the paint i got on the frame that i need to figure out how to remove. but drawing the state was hard as hell. painting it with just some cheap foam brushes was even harder. but dammit, it came out pretty ok if i say so myself.

i've also been watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother lately. on the surface it's a stupid bromance superficial hot people show. but if you take the time to really watch it, it means well. i feel like sometimes i'm the female version of Ted. All through the show while he's tellin the story of how he met his wife, he goes through all these really hard life lessons. he's engaged once to someone who leaves him for someone else. he has all sorts of ups and downs as he tries to find his 'one.' and i know, i KNOW it's stupid to look for signs in a tv show that stars NPH, but some of the quotes really got to me today. here are two that i really like and i'm really hoping are true.

Narrator: Kids, I've been telling you the story of how I met your mother, and while there's many things to learn from this story, this may be the biggest. The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do, they'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life, you have to take action, and you will. But never forget that on any day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. You see, the universe has a plan kids, and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place at the right time.

Ted:Okay, I'm going to say something out loud that I've been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you and Tony have, what I thought for a second you and I had, what I know that Marshall and Lily have—I want that. I do. I keep waiting for it to happen and waiting for it to happen and I guess I'm just, I'm tired of waiting. And that is all I'm going to say on that subject.
Stella: You know I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?
Ted: Really?
Stella: I was heading upstate with my parents, I was doing 90 on the country roads. I got pulled over. So this cop, gets out of his car, swaggers over and he says, 'Lady, I've been waiting for you all day.' And I said, 'Sorry Officer, I got here as fast as I could.'
Ted: For real?
Stella: No, it's just a joke. I know that you're tired of waiting. And you may have to wait a little while more but, she's on her way, Ted. And she's getting here as fast as she can.

i have to believe that there is a plan for me, that all of this is happening for a reason. it's too scary to think otherwise.

today i've had a pretty ok day. no i didnt leave the house or get out of my pajamas. and yeah i've been upset all day. but i know i'm going to have good and bad days. days where i think this is the right thing and days where i think it's the biggest, worst mistake ever. and maybe both of those are correct, i dont know. but i have to believe that each day is leading me somewhere i'm supposed to be. and i just have to really work on being patient for whatever is supposed to happen next.

it's just so very very hard.

2012-01-07T14:05:00.001-05:00

Clearly something is wrong with me as I woke up early and cleaned the house. I dusted. I scrubbed the bathroom. I even cleaned the fridge. I've been doing crazy things like this a lot lately. Maybe it's being healthy in winter for once? Even all my clothes are put away. Maybe I just realize being a slob isnt conducive to anything good. Maybe it's too little too late but I do feel better when everything is neat. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-07T04:54:00.001-05:00

Why is it that I get a slew of drunk phone call and texts in the middle of the night from someone who I consider a friend at most telling me that I'm wonderful and I make him feel alive and that he has lied to me for years abt his feelings bc he actually loves me...

...when the person I love most, who I think loves me still but even that I don't even really know anymore, doesn't ever want to speak to me again in his life bc he doesn't want us and it's too stressful.

I do not understand life. I genuinely do not. It makes my head spin and hurt for everyone in this world who loves someone who won't/can't/don't love them back.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2012-01-06T22:37:00.000-05:00

also, this song.

2012-01-06T22:27:00.002-05:00

well today i managed to break my apartment key off in my door, get lost on the way home from picking up my cousin at the airport, and get a collections notice about an apartment that i dont even live in.

all were straightened out in short order, but i feel like things are just snowballing. i did only cry once today, and that was this morning, so i feel like i am doing mediocrely ok.

tomorrow is the auction at the gym where we get to bid on the trainers and we get to decide what work-out they have to do. all the money goes to the children's hospital. so i don't mind throwing some money at this, especially since i can make them do the slide board (that thing i broke my ass on).

i mailed out a package today, that was really hard to do but needed to be done. something of pretty great sentiment was in there, but i didnt feel right keeping it anymore. hopefully it will go to someone who loves it just as much as i did someday. it breaks my heart, but i guess it had to happen.

anyway. i'm going to go hang out with my baby cousin and hear him talk about the wonders of california. i'm really glad to have him around this evening.

love to all of you out there in blog reader land.

2012-01-06T08:22:00.001-05:00

"Was there one way? No, not as far as I could tell - other than to feel loved, to love back, and to do the things that make you feel as if your life has meaning and value, which can be as simple as making sure you spend time helping make life a little better for other people." -Dick Van Dyke, "My Lucky Life In And Out Of Show Business"